Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team
April 16, 2006
not willing to compromise myself.....
i feel like i'm on overload. there are a TON of feelings and issues surfacing inside of me. it's so much that i just don't know what to focus on first. they all seem equally important and demanding. it makes me want to run in the opposite direction away from it all because i don't see how i can possibly sort it all out and work on it. that's what i feel like doing but not necessarily what i'm going to do. i guess i just need to keep reminding myself that it's ok to just be and that everything that is supposed to happen will happen at its own pace. if i just let it be, then maybe whatever is the most pressing issue will surface more strongly and it will be clearer to me as to what i need to focus on at the moment.
friday was a very difficult day. suicidal alters were present all day and are still lingering close by. samanatha struggled with memories and feelings that i still don't have a strong connection to. it's interesting to see the contrast now between feeling these things myself and having the alter still hold the feelings. i didn't think i would ever say such a thing, but it almost seems easier to feel the feelings myself after experiencing the memory myself. when the alter still holds onto the memory and feelings and i am disconnected from it, i feel like i'm still on the outside and that i don't have as much control over helping myself. it reminds me of something rhonda britten said at the workshop the other night about responsibility and choice. that i am an adult now and although it is important for me to heal these old wounds, anything i am doing to myself now is my choice. nobody has control over me anymore and i need to take responsibilty for taking care of myself. it is all my choice about how i will treat myself and how i will let others treat me. when i experience the memory and feel the feelings as my own, i have a choice and control over how i will take care of myself as i go through it and heal it. when the alters still carry it, i don't feel like i have as much control. yes, i have a choice on how i can treat them and help them, but it is limited in many ways. it makes me want to experience all of the memories and feel all of the feelings. i can't believe i have reached a point where i am saying this, but i have. i want to be me and i want to accept myself as i am and i want to love myself.
there have been some major issues with my family this past week. it came down to me standing up for myself. i chose to not be part of something and, in a way, go against everything my family values as important - which would be appearances; putting on the happy face and pretending everything is great when it really isn't. well, i wasn't willing to compromise myself and give into what they were doing. it wasn't easy. i got the backlash from them because i wasn't playing by their rules. even though i was doing what i believed was right, i had a ton of self doubt. when you're being told by basically everyone that you're the one that is wrong and "what is wrong with you?" , it's hard not to second guess yourself. after speaking to a few healthy people yesterday, i felt better about my decision. although, it's still been hard because i feel very alone. it goes back to those old feelings of it somehow being easier to stay in the old, harmful place place simply because it is familiar rather than take that risk and go into the unfamiliar terrritory. again it reminds me of something else rhonda said at the workshop. i had asked her what do you do when the old, negative feelings come back after doing something good for yourself? how do you stick with the doing good for yourself? she said to ask yourself what risk are you taking? she said remind yourself that the old feelings are there because you took a risk and healthy risks are necessary to grow and change and once you do it enough, it won't feel as risky and the old feelings won't surface as much.
so......i took a risk and wouldn't give into my family's usual unhelathy ways of being. i would not compromise myself for the sake of making them happy and making it appear to the outside world that we were a perfect, happy family. i put myself first. and it is scary and lonely right now but i suppose if i do it enough, it won't feel as scary and lonely all the time.
today is easter. not such a great day for me. i feel samatha struggling inside. i feel the suicidal alters close by as well. i feel very alone. no one is around today who i can go to for support because they are busy with their holiday so i'm feeling quite alone. i guess i'll just take it minute by minute.
Posted by Butterflyteam on April 16, 2006 10:05 AM
Congratulations for standing up for yourself and doing what was best for you! I get a lot out of your entries and respect you a lot. I'm DID(barbraage8 is an alter, not my name, but she likes having this be under her name).I call myself The Real Me. I used to teach special ed but am on SSD now. You are so strong, stronger than you know. Keep making these good decisions. Hang in there. This, too, will pass.
Respectfully, The Real Me
Posted by: barbraage8 at April 16, 2006 09:02 PM
I am 100% behind you.
YOu are right the more you stand up for your self, the more risk you take it will be less scary. I am really happy to see you healing and to have been a part of your journey
Posted by: julia at April 18, 2006 05:10 PM
