Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team
April 18, 2006
how do i know?
i think i've gotten myself so worked up over this that i've caused a panic attack. i'm freaking out right now. i feel overwhelmed. i can't breathe. i've been laying in bed trying to fall asleep but i can't. i want to call and cancel the meeting i have at stonybrook tomorrow. i don't want to go through with graduate school. i'm too scared. i'm scared i'll start this and not be able to handle it. i'm scared that i'll get too overwhelmed and i'll just fall apart. how do i know if i'll be ready in september to start this and follow through with it? how do i know that once i start it, i'll be able to handle it? i have too much self doubt. i would be fine with everything if i was just going to graduate school full time. actually, i would LOVE that. i've always liked school and to go back and dive into social work, it would be so great. but i need to work at the same time. i have to be realistic. so it's the working full time and doing graduate school and keeping up with my own healing all at the same time that's freaking me out. graduate school wouldn't be just one class a semester. it's much more than that. it's going to take up a LOT of time. what if i can't handle it all? how do i know if i'm ready for this? in some ways, i think it might be better if i waited just a bit longer so i can get a little more healing under my belt. but then i wonder if that's just an excuse i'm telling myself because i'm too afraid to go through with this. i said this same thing two years ago. will i still be saying it two years from now? 5 years from now? ten years from now? another part of me thinks doing this will shift me into even greater healing. but i'm not positive. HOW DO I KNOW WHAT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO?
i'm also freaking out about what program to do. i really like the fordam-molloy one. and that one seems like it would be a little less stressful, at least in the beginning. but the stonybrook one would be like a third of the cost. do i go into a LOT more debt simply to be a little less stressed for a year or two?
by the way i'm freaking out right now you would think i've already sent in applications and are very close to starting. but i haven't done any of that. i've just started THINKING about it. i would have to move rather quickly on the whole thing to start in the fall semester but there's still a little time. if simply thinking about this is causing this much anxiety, what is going through with it going to cause? i don't know if i'm ready for this. i felt so much stronger and positive this afternoon when thinking about it. now that i've taken a tiny step towards making it happen, i'm falling apart. this is what being committed to myself looks like for me. i start it - get terrified - and stop. how do i stop this cycle?
Posted by Butterflyteam on April 18, 2006 9:57 PM
