Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team
April 11, 2006
feelings and rhonda britten....
There are so many contrasting feelings inside of me right now. It was a hard weekend - feeling so many feelings. Feeling real and having the feelings be mine and so raw is new and challenging. Yesterday was hard with Donna. Well, not hard - I was just feeling so much. I know Cloud Girl and Chloe and maybe even Stephanie are very close. I went to bed last night feeling very suicidal. I am not looking forward to the end of this week. Thursday is a full moon and Friday is Good Friday and then Easter. I just wish it would be over with already. I am glad that I just have to get through tomorrow at school and then I will be off Thursday, Friday and then all next week. I desperately need some down time.
Tonight I went to the workshop with Rhonda Britten from Starting Over. She is such an amazing person. I can relate to her so much. I know I don't know her personally but I truly believe that she is real because of her own journey. She comes from a background where she struggled a great deal and needed to find her own healing path and now wants to help others. I know that feeling. I know if I ever find a way through my own healing journey that I want to help others who are in a similar situation. I feel it's what I'm meant to do. Anyway, it was just such an amazing night. She signed my book and I even had a personal conversation with her. She recently ran her first marathon and I shared with her my experience and how I related to what she wrote about it being a methaphor for her healing. And she helped me with some questions I had about how much I struggled afterwards - about how fear shows up the strongest when we take the risk. The whole workshop was really helpful. She spoke a lot about body image because that's what her new book is about. I have her book on fearless living that I can't wait to start because I know that it is fear behind everything that holds me back from really letting go and living. She was so inspirational and motivational and enlightening. She gave us some exercises we can do to help us with some body image stuff and she just had some great insight on things that I think can really help me. I'm so glad I went to see her. She told me that she's planning on running the New York City marathon this November. It would be cool if I got in again and ran into her there again. I still can't believe I had a whole personal conversation with Rhonda! Now I can't wait to watch my Starting Over episodes from this week. I think it might feel a little different now that I've met her and actually talked with her!
So..... I feel saying that I'm having contrasting feelings right now is a huge understatement. One part of me feels very inspired and hopeful from the workshop tonight and then there is another part(s) of me that are so hopeless that there are even suicidal feelings. Only in my head would these totally contrasting feelings exist!! I just don't get it!!
Posted by Butterflyteam on April 11, 2006 08:36 PM
Hi Butterfly...
Well, today is Good Friday, and I know Good Friday has been hard for you in the past. I want you to know that I've still been praying for you every day. Alot of the time, when I pray for you, God brings scripture to my mind. Today, this is the verse that came to me: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." You can find that in Matthew chapter 11, if you want to read it for yourself. Good Friday is a really important day to me, because it is the day that gave me freedom and healing. I hope that some day you will find that Good Friday is a good day for you instead of one to be dreaded. I firmly believe that there is a plan for your life, and that this is not all there is for you. And I will keep praying to that end.
Posted by: Amanda at April 14, 2006 01:48 AM
