Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team
March 30, 2006
tonight's session...
i don't know how to let this go or move beyond it. it brings up the feelings of rejection the most. no matter how i try to explain it, i don't get anywhere. i don't think it's fair. it's not fair that she was the one to start this and then she gets to abruptly stop it. there's no discussion about how we can work to make changes to it and work towards a solution that's more gradual. we talk about it at times but i always end up feeling unheard. she said the groups weren't working for me the way they should be and that i shouldn't go anymore. i disagreed and advocated for myself and showed her that wasn't the truth. now, over a month later, she's so happy with how i'm using them to help me. she was wrong about that so why can't she see that maybe she might be wrong about this? i hate that i feel so discouraged by this. i feel like i'm doing so many things differently and i'm standing up for myself and taking care of myself. and i see this as a piece of what i need right now - something that would help me, but she disagrees so i feel like there's nothing i can do about it. i'm trapped. there's no way i can get this one piece that i need. yes, these feelings are very familiar. it was my entire childhood - trapped - no way out of the situation - no way to get what i needed. i know this is different. it's not an abusive situation. but it's still a real situation that has these real feelings attached to it.
i don't know how to not make this an issue - how to not make this important to me. i wish i did. i wish more than anything i could let it go. i feel it's holding me back. i want to go foward with more sessions like last week. i want to remember and experience and feel everything that happened to me. but now after doing it last week and knowing how difficult sitting with the feelings was, i have so much fear about doing it again because i feel like i might need this piece to help me get through and it's something not available to me. if it had never been there at all, it would be so much different. but because it was and then so abruptly taken away - i can't shake off the feelings of absolute rejection. i feel like all of a sudden she got a real good look at me and said - NO WAY! - and slammed the door in my face. i know that's not true at all but it's what it feels like. i don't understand why she can't trust how i have changed and be open to just trying a different version of it.
UGH! i can't stand talking about it anymore. i want to just let it go. but my heart won't let it go. why? why is my heart holding on so tight to this? i can't stand it. it hurts so much. it makes me want to give up completely. it's those "no way out so i might as well just die" feelings. i hate that it's this big of a deal. now i'm just getting angry at myself and hating myself because i must be the one who is wrong. if she won't budge then she has to be right so why should i trust myself that this is a piece of what i need? therefore, why should i continue to advocate for myself? it's a vicious cycle i can't get out of and now i'm back to those "no way out" feelings. it's been over three months and my feelings about this haven't changed. i really don't know what to do about it anymore. i feel like giving up. for now, i'll just settle for a brief escape and just go cut. i can't fight the urge anymore.
Posted by Butterflyteam on March 30, 2006 7:50 PM
