Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team
March 26, 2006
the aftermath....
it worked. jp was able to keep kristy aside so that when i started remembering, it was me who remembered and felt the feelings. the memories started coming and before long, i had remembered and felt the feelings that went along with that first time D abused me at 3 years old. i can't believe that i didn't remember it all until now. i'm so grateful to kristy for holding it for all these years for me. i'm glad that i am sharing it with her now. i do feel a little different inside. like part of that big black hole that encompasses my insides somehow got closed up just a tiny bit. sort of a beginning to becoming whole again. i do hope to be able to do this again with other memories, however, i need to rest a little bit first. it has been quite overwhelming.
for the past three days i have been feeling lots of not so great things as well. i feel so dirty and damaged and used and bad and disgusting. i feel like i could take a million showers and still not be able to get clean enough. i know logically that i shouldn't feel these things because at 3 years old i was in no way responsible for what happened........but........i still feel this way. i suppose it might last for a little while. hopefully not too long. i am also in this sort of fogginess. when i was remembering, it was so real and i totally felt like i was back there. i think in a way, i haven't fully returned to the present. it's an uneasy, scarey feeling that i hope will pass soon.
i know everything i'm feeling is necessary for me to feel so i can heal. i know the feelings won't last forever. but it still seems so unbearable. i'm trying to manage the feelings differently than i've managed other feelings in the past. i'm trying to take care of myself and not do the usual self harm stuff i do to avoid feeling. it's just so painful. and it really does feel different than when i felt things through my alters. i thought that was bad! well, this is so much harder. there's such a stronger connection and intensity and depth to all of these feelings. and my mind and body is still back in that place when it was happening. i guess you can call it flashbacks. i don't know. i'm still glad i did it. i do feel like i have back this piece of myself that i lost a long time ago. it's just finding a way through these feelings until the intensity lessens.
it's very draining.
Posted by Butterflyteam on March 26, 2006 4:47 PM
