Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team
March 12, 2006
notes for therapy tomorrow....
I have so much that I want to talk to Donna about tomorrow - and we only have an hour session! Ugh! I don't know how I'll fit it all in. I need to organize my thoughts so I think I'll write out a few things that I want to mention tomorrow.
1) I want to start off with letting her know that I had a lot of insight after our session on Thursday - that although in one way I could literally feel my heart break in half, I did finally see what she has been saying a little differently. I do agree that I have probably become very "comfortable and safe" in how things were with us and that if she didn't make the changes, I don't know if I ever would have. Not that I would have gotten worse and maybe I would have even eventually moved forward but it would have happened at an incredibly slow pace and most likely allowed me to sit in more pain much longer than I maybe have to. Like Jackie said to me - if the momma bird doesn't literally push the baby birds out of the nest, they might never leave and and therefore never learn to fly.
2)I read a little about abuser values and can see a little bit how my reactions and feelings have really been abuser values, although I'm struggling with really accepting it as that because it feels so much like feelings. But I will keep exploring it. Had an inside meeting to try to regain some order inside.
3)The "being buried alive" dream again.
4)I had a really hard weekend, mainly after the trauma group on Saturday. Lost a lot of time.
5)The nice weather and my reaction to it.
6)Nikki and the baby and Jane thinking it's her fault.
7)Having some new memories - JP wanting to share some things with me about Kristy. Seeing and hearing some new things about what happened the first time with Kristy and D. Needing to find a time when I can work through it with Donna before I lose my connection to it.
8)Trust - this obviously would be an issue for me based on my past but I had some new awarenesses about it. Was thinking how I don't have any intention of getting into a relationship with anyone because I simply don't see how I could ever trust anyone. This seems so reasonable and I'm pretty sure I've been aware of this before but for some reason, this weekens, I really felt it.
9)Getting in touch with some stuff regarding my mother. Feeling some anger. Realizing my mother has no idea who I a really am. I guess some of this was sparked by watching the mothers on Starting Over admit the mistakes they have made and how their mistakes have affected their children.
Intention for the Collage and Process group following my session - I have collected a lot of images and words with having to do with feeling and being trapped. It is how I have been feeling lately. I know it has both literal and figurative meanings for me so I think it is worth exploring in the group.
*sigh* It feels overwhelming just seeing all of this written here - how will I get into each one and feel it all????
Posted by Butterflyteam on March 12, 2006 06:30 PM
