Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team
March 22, 2006
important session tomorrow....
i have been headed in a direction in therapy. a direction that will lead to me - not alters - but me experiencing what happened to me as a child and feeling the feelings. i do know a lot of what happened. but it is through the alters. i have seen through them some of the things that happened. and i have felt their feelings related to what happened to them. but it's time for me to accept that what happened to them also happened to me because they are me. i need to find ways to remember what happened to me and i actually have to feel the feelings. i think by doing this, it will make their feelings less intense. i think this because i will, in a sense, be sharing the experience with them. if their feelings become less intense then maybe my life will become more manageable. maybe there won't be such extreme highs and lows. maybe there will be more of a centered-ness and peacefulness.
i have done this once before with donna. jp was able to help me remember and feel an experience. jp helped keep me from switching when i started to remember so that i could expereince it. this was a while ago and i haven't been able to do it since. but i have always felt that this was a huge key to my true healing. i feel this need to go back to many of the things that happened and experience them myself. otherwise, i feel like there will always be this separateness connected to it all. i feel like i don't really know who i am because there is just so much that happened to me that i don't remember experiencing because i was fortuante that my mind chose to create alters to help carry it all so i could survive. but i really think the time has come for me to take back these pieces of my life that my alters have been holding for me. i am grateful to them for holding onto them until i was ready.
i'm ready now, my friends. thank you for carrying all of this for so long. i want to share it with you now so i can put some of the pieces of the puzzle back together and feel whole.
i'm very nervous about tomorrow. i have been having flashes of memories about 3 year old kristy and the first time she went off with D. i think it's time i remember and feel it. i will do body work with donna (rubenfeld synergy) and will ask jp to help kristy not come forward so that i can expereince and feel what happened that first time with him. i am very scared. but i am willing.
Posted by Butterflyteam on March 22, 2006 5:51 PM
It's 11:37pm my time and 4:37 your time. I'm praying for your session and for your healing right now. Just wanted you to know! :o)
Posted by: Amanda at March 23, 2006 1:39 PM
I just wanted to encourage you. This is a huge step. I am joyful that it is something you have decided to do. I know how scary it feels.
When I first started to stay to feel instead of just knowing what happened-- it was extremly frightening. I could only do it for short moments. I few minutes at a time. I have found for myself that the more I practiced the less intense and overwhelming the memories have become--not that it doesn't still hurt. It is still awful- but I don't have the extreme body abreactions. I have an awfully large system-- I stoped conting when I got to ~ 100. I would say that I have a good size core of around 15 - 20 that are the main ones most of the time. SInce I started to stay more and feel what happened for myself instead of just living it tru the alter- The ones that I have been able to feel myself those alters finnaly felt heard. There is more cooperation between us. LIfe has'nt been so extream all the time.
You also helped to remind me that there is great healing in decideing to stay and feel.
There are memories with my grandfather that have controlled me so long- that I know thru the alters , but I have not felt for myself. It is what I am struggling with at the moment. I know I need to feel it. I have just been scared to feel. It is scary. But I am not a little child anymore. Being grown up is hard. WHen I see you I'll share more of that first moment that I realized I needed to stay for myself- I came up with a contract.... My system works on makeing lots of contracts. I have that journaled.
Take care, loving wishes to you.
Posted by: julia at March 24, 2006 6:48 AM
Hi, I just found this page and it caught my attention. I too was abused as a child and have struggled with many emotions and problems because of it. I'd like to talk to you about DID and ask some questions if you ever have the time.
Posted by: Jacinta at March 25, 2006 7:36 PM
Thank you all for your support. Jacinta, if you tell me how I can get in touch with you, perhaps an email address, I would be happy to talk with you.
Posted by: butterflyteam at March 26, 2006 5:06 PM
