Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team

February 27, 2006

new dissociating experiences and Libby

Feeling a little disconnected. And sad. Being back at school today was fine. Saw Donna for an hour session and then stayed for the support group.

Therapy was.....interesting. We ended up talking about things that I didn't really anticipate. I started off by saying that I had a hard day yesterday in anticipation of going back to school today. I went on to describe my expereinces yesterday when I took the laxatives and when I cut. It was different. Stephanie was around earlier in the day with urges to binge. I felt her feelings and heard her thoughts. It was the usual battle of needing to binge but yelling that it's not allowed. I ended up eating - a normal meal, not a binge. I was present for that. The next thing I knew was taking two laxatives and it was as if I was watching myself do it, but I couldn't stop myself. The same thing happened with the cutting. I was watching it but felt like I had no control. It was different from when I am aware that an alter is doing theses things and I have co-consciousness with them because when that happens, I can hear their thoughts and feel their feelings. Yesterday, there was none of that. Just a detachment - watching myself - with no control. At first Donna thought this was progress; a type of co-consciousness. I explained that I saw it the complete opposite way. That I thought co-consciousness was better because with that I sometimes have control and can distract alters or get them to find another way. With what happened yesterday, there was no communication, no control. Donna began to understand what I was explaining.

The other main thing we talked about was Libby - an alter - the 8 year old, good girl. The one who went to school, made sure she was well behaved and did everything right. She has a connection with Kristy, the 3 year old and always helps Kristy. Libby is very responsible. She is not an alter who is around much at all. She is one who spends a lot of time in the background. I don't know a tremendous amount about her. Well today, that changed a bit. I told Donna that she was around recently and earlier today I became aware of something connected to her. It has to do with the whole email situation with Donna. Libby feels we did something wrong and this is our punishment. She has a hard time dealing with the fact that we may have done something wrong. In addition, she has been experiencing this feeling of something good, safe, comforting being just out of her reach. We ended up talking about how, and I'm not even positive about this but just have a feeling, that possibly Libby always had this urge to reach out to someone when we were little and tell them what was happening. That by doing this, she would be doing something good to help. She always wants to help. But somehow it was always out of her reach, or she had chances and couldn't do it, and in turn would feel like she was bad for not helping, possibly feeling guilty. Not really sure though. Donna was very interested in all of this but by this time I was starting to get all spacey. Time was up as well so we didn't really finish. I'm still feeling Libby. She is close by. It's an unusual feeling because I'm just not used to her being so close. It's almost as if it's a new alter because I haven't had much experience with her. I wish we could talk more to Donna right now.

The group was good. I talked about everything that I wrote out here yesterday. I haven't come to any conclusions. Still don't see a way to get past the fear. After I shared and was listening to the other 3 women, I had some thoughts. At first, I felt good, even a little hopeful. I had thoguths of things I wanted to do, nothing major, just usualy daily things. But since I have spend the last few weeks hiding from life, it felt good to just be interesting in doing anything. But the next thing I realized was that I was feeling scared and hopeless which then led to feeling stuck and trapped. No matter what, I can't stick with feeling good. I hate this fear!!!

Posted by Butterflyteam on February 27, 2006 7:54 PM