Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team

February 24, 2006

back to therapy....

It's been 5 weeks since I've seen Donna. Until 2 days ago, I had no contact with her this entire time. It has been very difficult. I haven't come here to write about it partly because I've been struggling so much and partly because I really had no idea what to say. I'm still not even sure of everything that happened. I am aware of some things that initially started it, but I honestly can't say how it got this out of hand. It has thrown off many things with everyone inside. There are alters that have left the dome (which means I don't have coconsciousness with them). They didn't feel safe anymore and needed to go back to their old roles in order to protect themselves. I don't blame them. They will most likely come back into the dome when they feel safe enough. I have to work at this. I made the first step the other day when I emailed Donna. I was so afraid of her rejecting me, but she didn't. And in a few hours I will be seeing her again. I'm very scared. We're all very scared. But I'm not even exactly sure what we're scared of. I know there are many things I need to explore that have contributed to what has gone on these past 5 weeks (and actually it goes back almost to the end of November). I will deal with them as they come up but I have decided that I'm not going to sit here and go through everything that has happened with a fine tooth comb and try to analyze it all. What is in the past, I'll leave there. And the issues that I need to deal with, I will as they surface. But I can't tackle it all at once. So, I have chosen to move forward.

I'm so glad to be seeing Donna, but I'm just so scared. And that's very unfamiliar for me because I've never been scared of going to see Donna. She has always been our safe haven. This is one of the times that having DID really stands out for me. It's not really me who is scared. It's several of the alters who feel betrayed, abandoned, and rejected by her. I know she did not do these things to us, but they interpret it this way. So for me to know the truth and be happy to be seeing Donna, but to also be feeling so strongly the fear about seeing her makes it all too real to me the conflicting feelings and thoughts you can experience when you have so many different parts inside of you.

Posted by Butterflyteam on February 24, 2006 11:10 AM

Posted by: Pilgrim at February 24, 2006 3:15 PM