Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team
February 26, 2006
back to the old routine...
I go back to school tomorrow. We've been off this week for winter break. I needed this break. The week didn't start off too well but once I was able to email Donna and work some things out with her and put some other things in place, things started to turn around. I wish I still had more time off though. I wasted a lot of time in the beginning of the week in bed or on the couch watching TV because I was so depressed. But I also need to get back to my old routine. Not only will I be going back to school tomorrow but the rest of my Monday schedule will be going back to normal. For as long as I've been seeing Donna (almost 4 years), I've always had a session with her on Mondays and then I stay for a drop-in group that she has. Mondays have been soooo hard these past few weeks when I wasn't seeing her. So, I'm happy about having a session with her and then staying for the group. Each Monday of the month is a different group. Tomorrow is the support group where it's pretty much open to talk about whatever is going on for you. Donna and I talked about setting an intention and planning out a little how I want to use each group. She suggested I write it out. When I can, I'll write it here on Sundays. If I'm pressed for time I'll have to do it on the train ride on my way into the city on Monday afternoon.
Intention for Support Group on Monday 2/27/2006:
I think I will focus on the fear I've been feeling regarding moving forward. The cycle I'm stuck in of doing what I need to do to feel better and then getting so scared that I revert back to my old ways. How I often choose to stay in the old, familiar place even if it it harmful in ways. I'm used to the depressed feelings. I'm used to the misery. I'm used to feeling fear and anxiety and sadness all the time. All of these things are second nature to me. When I take care of myself, when I do something good for myself, when I am, do I dare say it - happy, it might be manageable for a short time, but I have come to the realization that I get so freaked out by it that I will do anything to revert back to my old ways. All of this became very clear right after the marathon. It was such a great experience and I really got in touch with the fact that I did it all for me. And I enjoyed the natural high it gave me and how it helped my self esteem...but.....then it all came crashing down. I got very depressed after the marathon. I realize now it was fear. I was scared of doing something so huge for myself. I started to listen to all the old voices in my head - who did I think I was to feel good about myself? I keep saying that doing the good things makes me feel so uncomfortable. Donna wants me to change that and say that it's not uncomfortable, but unfamiliar. I guess that makes sense - that if it can become familiar, it could possibly become comfortable. In fact, that's actually one of my positive affirmations from WIIT - "I practice my recovery skills and make them familiar, for me." I'm not sure of the way out of this or how to overcome the fear. I guess for right now it's a good thing I'm aware of it and I just need to keep talking about it.
Posted by Butterflyteam on February 26, 2006 05:27 PM
