Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team
January 15, 2006
not wanting to feel...
i just got home from a meeting. i needed to be there because i really want to drink. i'm just really having a hard time with not wanting to feel what i'm feeling. and what is it that i'm feeling you ask. i don't even know. a ton of things, i guess. still having a VERY hard time with the abandonment stuff. really wishing i would hear from donna. still feeling tons of fear associated with lots of things. and to make matters worse, i'm feeling new stuff related to the abuse. i'm remembering things - things that I had a sense that they happened because alters have remembered them and felt them but i still felt some sort of distance from them. but now i'm sort of remembering some things for myself....and feeling it. but there's also this cloudiness to it all. like i remember it but not really. i can't really explain it. i'm just really overwhelmed by so much and my thoughts have turned to whatever i can possibly do to not feel.
today has been a hard day. if i had one wish right now it would be to sit with donna on her couch, have her put her arms around me and just sit with me and hold me until i felt safer.
Posted by Butterflyteam on January 15, 2006 06:12 PM
