Main » January 2006

January 18, 2006

blah...

feeling really sad and lonely tonight. i just got home from a meeting. it was ok, i guess. should be doing some work for school but don't feel like it. i think some of the little ones are close. i'm feeling the neediness and abandonment. i'm also feeling very dissociative - kind of far away and spacey. i don't know what else to say. it seems like whatever i have to say really wouldn't make a difference.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 5:48 PM

January 17, 2006

getting it all done...

Abby just needed to share that she is very excited because she got to use the grape scented conditioner in the shower tonight and Samantha is happy because we're going to go watch Little House on the Prairie right now. I, on the other hand, have to grade papers for school and don't know how I'm going to get it done. It's very hard to keep little ones happy and get the work the adults need to get done when we all share one body. In a normal situation of an adult needing to get something done, they could give something to the child to keep him or her occupied and then get done what they need to. But what do you do when you share one body? You can't get it all done. I know the little ones need more time. I'm feeling it inside. They are making it very known. But it's very hard trying to fit it all in. The school work is starting to build up again. I need to get it done but it's not happening because the little ones are being quite demanding lately - either they are struggling with feelings of being sad and scared or they want time to play. We need to figure out a way to manage our time better before we really fall way behind with stuff at work.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 4:54 PM | Comments (1)

January 16, 2006

what is happening to me!?!?

I feel so incredibly inadequate.....regarding everything.

i had lunch with a good friend today. it was nice. she is someone who i trust and can talk to about anything. i feel she understands me because her healing journey has been similar to mine. for most of the time we were together it was fine but by the end i just felt so insecure about everything. i can't get a hold of all the feelings i've been feeling. i feel like i'm going backwards. WHAT IS HAPPENING!!?? i just don't feel like i belong anywhere. i haven't been feeling wonderful these last several months but somehow i was managing. but lately i just feel like everything has spun out of control and i feel like i just can't do anything. i want to just give up. i don't feel strong enough to get through whatever is going on. i really just want to give up.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 1:11 PM

January 15, 2006

not wanting to feel...

i just got home from a meeting. i needed to be there because i really want to drink. i'm just really having a hard time with not wanting to feel what i'm feeling. and what is it that i'm feeling you ask. i don't even know. a ton of things, i guess. still having a VERY hard time with the abandonment stuff. really wishing i would hear from donna. still feeling tons of fear associated with lots of things. and to make matters worse, i'm feeling new stuff related to the abuse. i'm remembering things - things that I had a sense that they happened because alters have remembered them and felt them but i still felt some sort of distance from them. but now i'm sort of remembering some things for myself....and feeling it. but there's also this cloudiness to it all. like i remember it but not really. i can't really explain it. i'm just really overwhelmed by so much and my thoughts have turned to whatever i can possibly do to not feel.

today has been a hard day. if i had one wish right now it would be to sit with donna on her couch, have her put her arms around me and just sit with me and hold me until i felt safer.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 6:12 PM

January 14, 2006

friend's wedding

I went to my friend's wedding tonight. It was nice and it was really great to see her so happy. But I wish I was in a better place emotionally and could have enjoyed myself more. It was really hard to be there and not drink. I really didn't think much about the not drinking thing before I went because I really didn't think it would be an issue for me but it was. A big one. I just really, really wanted to drink tonight. The whole experience tonight was hard. I'm still close to this friend but not as close as we were several years ago. Back then we did almost everything together. And tonight, I saw a ton of people who we used to hang out with. It felt so weird because those times seemed like so long ago yet they also seem like they were just yesterday - when we spent every weekend going out and I guess you could say "partying". I was in a lot of denial back then and none of my abuse issues had really surfaced yet. I just remember having a lot of fun. Although I do know not all of it was great and it wouldn't necessarily be better for me to be back in that place now. But I just think of how unhappy I am now and I guess sometimes it would be nice to just have fun. Most of all those people are married now and have babies. They've moved on with their lives. I feel like I haven't done anything. Not that necessarily getting married and having children is what I want, but at this point I would just settle for being happy. I still have all this fear and I still feel so trapped by everything. I'm sick of sitting here and trying to figure things out. I'm sick of therapy. I'm sick of having to work so hard in order to just be "ok". You would think if I was sick of those things I would just stop therapy and just "force" myself to be happy. But I can't. If I stopped therapy at this point I know I would do nothing but head downhill and probably end up killing myself. That's where I was headed before I started therapy.

*sigh*

I don't even know where I'm going with this post. It all just started coming out as I typed. I don't know. I'm just feeling so overwhelmed and I'm feeling like I just don't have the energy anymore to work so hard. We're all still feeling so abandoned. Donna is away this weekend and all we want is to just hear from her so we know that we matter to at least one person and that at least one person cares if we're alive or not.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 8:53 PM

January 13, 2006

I'm scared...

I'm scared. I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of never feeling any differently than I do now. I'm scared of always feeling bad but I'm also scared of feeling good. I'm scared of bad things happening to me but I'm also scared of good things happening to me because it would be so not what I'm used to. I feel trapped by my fear. I feel immobilized by my fear. I'm scared that I'm going to stay in the exact same place I'm in right now forever. I'm scared that I'll never move beyond where I am. I'm scared that I don't have enough courage to take the healthy risks I need to take in order to grow and change and do things differently. I'm scared that I'll never learn to like myself let alone love myself. I'm scared of living, really living, not just existing. There are people in my life who say they love me but I'm scared of never really knowing that they love me; scared of never really feeling loved by someone else. I'm scared of missing opportunities that I may never get back again. I'm scared of wasting time. I'm scared that in a blink of my eyes I will reach the end of my life and I will have realized that I haven't lived. I'm scared. I'm scared of everything.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 7:59 PM

January 12, 2006

feeling a lot....

saw donna again tonight. was able to talk some more about some of the things that have changed that have left us feeling so abandoned. it was good to finally get the words out. i felt like she heard me. she said she'd think about the one part bothering me the most. i'm not sure what she has to think about. we're really having a hard time with that one. i spent the majority of the time crying. she said i need to cry. it seems like that's all i do lately. i completely lost my voice today. i was slowly losing it all week and by today it was completely gone. i'm not sick, just don't have a voice. i've been having a few other body memories so i'm not sure if this is related. tomorrow and saturday are not good days for us - friday the 13th and a full moon. i'm trying really hard to make a plan, anticipate what the little ones might be feeling and do my best to take care of them. i'm really struggling with the abandonment right now. it was so unbelievably hard to leave donna tonight. for several weeks it hasn't been that bad, but tonight it was so hard. i just really, really needed to just stay with her. to just have her put her arms around us and not let go. it was like that was the only way we would be sure we were safe. nothing else would do. i guess it could be related to anxiety about the next two days. not sure. just feeling really little and needy. :(

Posted by Butterflyteam at 6:54 PM | Comments (1)

January 9, 2006

little ones and change....

everyone inside is having a hard time right now. the little ones are feeling tremendous abandonment. a few things have changed with donna and we're still trying to work it out. i started to talk to donna about it tonight but we ran out of time. i need to talk to her some more about it. it's really causing a lot of problems inside. kristy, abby, tara and samantha are really feeling insecure. some things that have brought them security and safety and routine and predictability are no longer there and to them, it's like their world has been turned upside down. it's so hard to quiet them all down. i'm so tired and wish i could just fall asleep but they are all feeling so unsettled and i will never be able to fall asleep with all the noise in my head. i feel so badly for them. i know how much safety some little things have brought to them and now it's gone. they have come such a long way learning to trust and now, well......they are very hesitant to trust anything. I don't really blame them. my trust that i have felt i've come such a long way with feels very shaky at the moment. i don't want to stop trusting but i'm just so confused and unsure. i feel the abandonment right along with the little ones. i'm scared. i think this is one of the hardest things about being abused. you don't have a stable foundation to stand on. trust and security and stability that so many people take for granted is a foreign concept to us. without that foundation it just makes everything else a million times more difficult and complicated. i'm going to try and comfort them the best i can now but i know it's not what they are looking for. i know it's me they need to trust and we were working on that but i feel like without the security we had in place, we're not going to get much accomplished. they are all too distracted and focused on what has suddenly changed. it was too abrupt for them. they don't understand. i'm not sure i do either.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 8:46 PM

January 8, 2006

hurting....

i haven't written here in a while because i just can't seem to find the words i need to express myself. a lot has gone on in the past month - things i've needed to face in therapy. i'm aware of things i need to do but i'm really struggling with finding ways to do them. it's mainly because of fear. fear of the unfamiliar. it's something i know i do - something i know many people do - stay in a situation or continue a behavior no matter how harmful or dangerous it may be simply because it is so familiar and the thought of doing something different, no matter how much better it would be for you is so unbelievably terrifying that you just feel paralyzed and can't move towards it.

i've just been hurting so much lately. feeling so sad and so lonely and so afraid. i feel like no one will understand me if i try to explain what i'm going through. i've resorted back to old behaviors out of a desperate need to just not feel. i don't know if this is just a temporary slip backwards or if i'm really headed back down a road where i'm going to end up crashing.

i'm stuck in a never-ending cycle. i allow myself to get very close to healing or feeling better or taking care of myself but for whatever reason - i won't allow myself to stay there. whether it's because i don't feel like i deserve it or i feel guilty for feeling good or.......just fear. feeling afraid because it is something so unfamilar that i just can't stand it and i need to run right back to what i know - what is comfortable - what is a false sense of safety.

i'm so confused and i feel so alone with all of this.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 4:33 PM | Comments (1)