Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team

January 08, 2006

hurting....

i haven't written here in a while because i just can't seem to find the words i need to express myself. a lot has gone on in the past month - things i've needed to face in therapy. i'm aware of things i need to do but i'm really struggling with finding ways to do them. it's mainly because of fear. fear of the unfamiliar. it's something i know i do - something i know many people do - stay in a situation or continue a behavior no matter how harmful or dangerous it may be simply because it is so familiar and the thought of doing something different, no matter how much better it would be for you is so unbelievably terrifying that you just feel paralyzed and can't move towards it.

i've just been hurting so much lately. feeling so sad and so lonely and so afraid. i feel like no one will understand me if i try to explain what i'm going through. i've resorted back to old behaviors out of a desperate need to just not feel. i don't know if this is just a temporary slip backwards or if i'm really headed back down a road where i'm going to end up crashing.

i'm stuck in a never-ending cycle. i allow myself to get very close to healing or feeling better or taking care of myself but for whatever reason - i won't allow myself to stay there. whether it's because i don't feel like i deserve it or i feel guilty for feeling good or.......just fear. feeling afraid because it is something so unfamilar that i just can't stand it and i need to run right back to what i know - what is comfortable - what is a false sense of safety.

i'm so confused and i feel so alone with all of this.

Posted by Butterflyteam on January 8, 2006 04:33 PM

Posted by: Pilgrim at January 8, 2006 07:51 PM

Post a comment