Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team

January 14, 2006

friend's wedding

I went to my friend's wedding tonight. It was nice and it was really great to see her so happy. But I wish I was in a better place emotionally and could have enjoyed myself more. It was really hard to be there and not drink. I really didn't think much about the not drinking thing before I went because I really didn't think it would be an issue for me but it was. A big one. I just really, really wanted to drink tonight. The whole experience tonight was hard. I'm still close to this friend but not as close as we were several years ago. Back then we did almost everything together. And tonight, I saw a ton of people who we used to hang out with. It felt so weird because those times seemed like so long ago yet they also seem like they were just yesterday - when we spent every weekend going out and I guess you could say "partying". I was in a lot of denial back then and none of my abuse issues had really surfaced yet. I just remember having a lot of fun. Although I do know not all of it was great and it wouldn't necessarily be better for me to be back in that place now. But I just think of how unhappy I am now and I guess sometimes it would be nice to just have fun. Most of all those people are married now and have babies. They've moved on with their lives. I feel like I haven't done anything. Not that necessarily getting married and having children is what I want, but at this point I would just settle for being happy. I still have all this fear and I still feel so trapped by everything. I'm sick of sitting here and trying to figure things out. I'm sick of therapy. I'm sick of having to work so hard in order to just be "ok". You would think if I was sick of those things I would just stop therapy and just "force" myself to be happy. But I can't. If I stopped therapy at this point I know I would do nothing but head downhill and probably end up killing myself. That's where I was headed before I started therapy.

*sigh*

I don't even know where I'm going with this post. It all just started coming out as I typed. I don't know. I'm just feeling so overwhelmed and I'm feeling like I just don't have the energy anymore to work so hard. We're all still feeling so abandoned. Donna is away this weekend and all we want is to just hear from her so we know that we matter to at least one person and that at least one person cares if we're alive or not.

Posted by Butterflyteam on January 14, 2006 8:53 PM