Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team

December 11, 2005

looking for an escape....

I feel like I want to write but all of my thoughts are so jumbled up that I don't know if I'd make sense. I want to say that I feel overwhelmed but I'm not sure with what. Last week seemed much busier for me because I had report card conferences and I was stressed about a lot of stuff at school. After conferences, things calm down a bit at school so I'm not sure what I'm overwhelmed about. Let's see. Well, Christmas is 2 weeks away and there's a lot to do associated with that I suppose. Tomorrow is a triggering day for me (12/12). I know parts inside are very anxious, particularly Samantha. It's Sunday night and I have that back to school anxiety - which I still don't understand because there's nothing at school to be nervous about. This week isn't too bad. We have 2 field trips - one of which to see the movie The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. We read the book in class and are now going to see the movie on Wednesday. I just have this anxiety about.....I don't know - "going out into the world". I feel like just hiding inside my apartment. Earlier tonight I was feeling overwhelmed by life - stupid stuff that I can even pinpoint. I just had this feeling of not wanting to do anything or feel anything. And then my thoguhts went to not eating. My whole thought process went to "I can't deal with everything going in my life and if I can put all of my focus into not eating and if that could be the ONLY thing I think about, then I won't have to think about anything else going on or deal with anything else I'm feeling." It seems like such a good plan but I know it only works temporarily and then it only ends up just making everything else worse. I just have this intense need to hide and escape from everything. I think it comes down to being so afraid to just....live. I'm so tired of being afraid. :(

Posted by Butterflyteam on December 11, 2005 7:17 PM