Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team

November 05, 2005

Marathon Eve.......

Well, tomorrow is the big day. I am very, very, very, very nervous....and excited! I hoped I trained enough, although there's nothing I can do about it now.

The last few days have been very emotional for me. When I was talking to my friend Jackie yesterday, I realized how much I really can never escape my childhood traumas no matter how much healing I do. I can certainly make things a lot better but I feel like there will always be this lingering cloud that hangs overhead close by. I realized yesterday how I am just as afraid of succeeding at this as I am of failing at it. I feel most people would think I'm strange for feeling that way. Don't all people want to succeed? Won't they feel great when they do? I'm terrified of it. I don't know what it will mean for me. It's just something I'm struggling with.

I've also had a ton of anxiety lately which I was able to identify earlier today. I have been freaking out because of the anticipation of something. This time the something (the marathon) isn't such a bad thing but I think my body recognizes just the feelings of the anticipation of something which usually turned out to be something bad. Donna pointed out that I was programmed to know when I was feeling anxious that something bad was coming. That was true then but it isn't true now. But it's still hard to believe that sometimes.

So......I'm supposed to be doing my best to relax in these last few hours before the race but it's hard. I'm feeling very anxious. I hope I can do this tomorrow.

Posted by Butterflyteam on November 5, 2005 03:13 PM

Posted by: Pilgrim at November 5, 2005 06:56 PM

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