Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team

October 08, 2005

Mother Nature...

This morning I became one with mother nature. Things did not go how I had hoped at all, however I am just a little proud of myself for the way I am handling it. There was a long run planned for this morning in Central Park - 18 miles. It was to be my last and longest run before the marathon which is in 4 weeks. It was crucial that I was able to do this. Earlier in the week, I had a cold and was so afraid I wasn't going to feel well enough to run. But I was feeling better by last night and made the decision to go because it was just too important. Well, mother nature was not in the mood to cooperate this morning. It has been a constant downpour of rain since last night. When I got up at 4:00am to go, it was raining, but I decidied to go anyway with the hope that maybe it would be ok when I got there. No such luck. From the second we started running it was just constant heavy rain and wind. Within a few minutes my feet were soaked. This was the main problem. Running in the rain isn't so bad, but when your socks and shoes are drenched, it doesn't take long before blisters start to form. So....I needed to make a decision. I knew I was never going to be able to do the whole 18 miles. I mean, 18 miles in perfect running weather is no piece of cake, but to do it in this downpour was asking a lot. So I had to decide whether or not to push myself and go a little more and chance getting really bad blisters that could keep me from running for several days or do I stop after 5 miles and reschedule my long run (which will be more difficult because I will have to do it on my own, not as a part of an organized run). Well, I decided to take care of myself and stop after 5 miles. Now, this is where the progress I have made comes in. Normally, I would be beating myself up that I was weak or a wimp for not toughing it out. And believe me those thoughts did enter my mind form time to time. But for the moment, I'm choosing to go with the fact that I made the right decision and that it's not my fault that I couldn't finish - that it really had to do with circumstances beyond my control. I've been thinking about this since I got home and I'm really surprised at how well I'm handling this setback. It was kind of a waste to get up so early and go all the way there but I know I would have felt worse if I didn't at least try. There were 2,500 runners scheduled to run today and only about 200 had the determination to show up. And I was one of them. I gave it my all and there were circumstances beyond my control that kept me from reaching my goal. So...I will now need to try again. I have a plan to attempt an 18 mile run Monday morning. We'll see how it goes. I just can't help but be a little proud of myself for not beating myself up. I keep hearing Donna's voice in my head that I have a choice to be mean to myself or to accept the reality of the situation. I am feeling a little disappointed for not accomplishing something I really wanted to today and there is a little fear that I'm not going to be able to do it on Monday but mixed in with that is some acceptance of the reality of the situation. That's progress for me. :-)

Posted by Butterflyteam on October 8, 2005 12:05 PM

Posted by: Pilgrim at October 8, 2005 12:47 PM

Posted by: Butterflyteam at October 9, 2005 02:00 PM

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