Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team

March 1, 2005

what's been going on....

I feel like I need to write about something but I don't know what. I feel like so much is going on inside but it doesn't seem clear. It's like a million things swirling around inside and they go faster and faster and faster and suddenly all of the images are too fuzzy to make out what they are. They are there, I just can't tell what they are.

The past several days I have been hearing in my head over and over again "I just wanna die. I just wanna die." At first I thought they were my thoughts but now I think they belong to someone else inside because there are some moments when I don't hear them. When it is me feeling that way, it's usually constant and I can't escape the feelings connected to them. But with this, they seem to come and go, which I assume depends on how close whoever it is they belong to is. I'm just not sure who it is. Since I can't tell who it is, I'm wondering if it's an alter I don't have co-consciousness with. So it might be either Chloe, Cloud Girl or Samantha. I don't think it's JP.

Tara has been close lately. She hadn't been around for a while. But ever since I saw a talk show a week or two ago about a brother abusing his little sister, Tara has been close and has been feeling a lot. Around this same time something happened with Abby and I don't know what. But ever since then, Abby has been gone. I haven't seen her or heard her. I'm scared that maybe she left the dome. Or maybe she is just hiding somewhere in the dome where I can't see, but that's not like her. I don't know what happened.

*sigh*

Posted by Butterflyteam on March 1, 2005 4:29 PM