Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team
February 24, 2005
reiki...and some other stuff
i went to a reiki session for the first time today. some people i know have gone to this woman and it has helped them so i thought i'd give it a try. it was interesting. she felt a lot of resistance from me - resistance of letting go of the bad and resistance of taking in the good. she said she sensed a lot to do with negative messages that i've internalized. it turned out ok and i'm going to go back in 2 weeks. there's still a part of me that is doubtful and skeptical. but there is also another part of me willing to try it out a few times to see if it's something that could work for me. i didn't feel any huge changes right after my session but as the day went on, i did feel a little.......lighter, i suppose. i had a good session with donna a little while after the reiki session. for the first time in a while i felt like i was able to speak to her as a competent, coherent, grounded adult. that doesn't happen often in our sessions.
it was a good day. a friend went with me to the reiki session. we hung out and had lunch. then i had the session with donna and then group. after group i went to dinner with the girls from the group. i spent the whole day with "real" people. people who know my story. people who understand me and support me in my healing. it was really good. it's what i have been looking for for quite some time. i was so tired of my other so-called "friends". they pretended to be there and support me but they really haven't been. they just get tired of me not being ok enough to do the regular things we used to do. and the one who said she'd always be there for me - would never leave me - well, she's gone. so these new friends i'm making from group....it feels good to be with them.
so.....a good day? yes. then why am i still awake at 3:00a.m.? why do i feel so sad and alone? why am i afraid to go to sleep? i want to scream at the top of my lungs - what the fuck is wrong with me???!!! why can't i hold onto the good feelings i had today? did the reiki session stir some things up? was it the intensity of group tonight? is it the fact that donna is going away and i won't have any contact with her for the next week? or.......is it the fact that i'm just not meant to heal or have any good feelings for any extended period of time? ugh! i'm not going to give into this negative thinking. i'm going to stop myself there. it's not going to do any good.
i just wish i could fall asleep.
Posted by Butterflyteam on February 24, 2005 11:48 PM
I'm glad the reiki stuff helped at least for a little while... you deserve a break... I just wish it would have lasted longer. I know you probably get tired of me saying this but, I UNDERSTAND SO WELL. I DO UNDERSTAND. I know its so hard. I am so sorry things are so difficult for you. You deserve so much more than this. I am glad that you got to have a little break for a little while yesterday. Thanks for talking to me last night even though you yourself are hurting so much.
Posted by: Pilgrim at February 25, 2005 9:45 AM
Thanks Pilgrim. I know you do understand and it really helps when you you remind me that I'm not alone, even though I hate to think someone else would feel like this too. I love talking to you.... any time.
Posted by: butterflyteam at February 26, 2005 5:42 PM
