Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team

February 21, 2005

lost....

there have been many ups and downs since i wrote last. i missed an individual session with donna. i ended up going to group last week and i got up and left the office to go to the bathroom and ended up switching and going into a flashback. samantha was curled up in a ball shaking on the floor in the hallway. when the group ended, some of the women came out and found me there. i was so embarrassed. donna got samantha to get up and come in the office with her. i eventually came back. i'm grateful the women in the group are very understanding and supportive. I felt like such a freak that this happened.

today i had an appt. with donna. i ended up going into the city early and i just walked around for a while. i felt so lost as i walked around. part of me kept wishing that i could afford to move into manhattan. it's so different than how i grew up and i thought i'd maybe like that change. then i thought about how i wanted to move to florida when i was down there for an inpatient program. then i thought about how i want to move to arizona every time i go to visit my relatives there. i keep wanting to be anywhere other than the place i am actually in.

i also kept wishing i was someone other than myself. who? i have no idea. maybe i wouldn't mind being me if i could just be happy. i was talking about something like this tonight with donna - not knowing who i am. i was just a person to be used and abused. that was my only purpose. there was no other reason for me to be alive. so now what? if people aren't using me and abusing me, what is my purpose? who am i? why am i here? i don't know who i am. i look in the mirror and see a stranger staring back at me. if i don't know who i am, how am i suppossed to be happy? do i need to figure out who i am in order to be happy? or do i find ways to be happy and then i'll find out who i am?

Posted by Butterflyteam on February 21, 2005 8:51 PM