Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team
February 6, 2005
hiding....
I think I have been hiding lately. I believe the correct word is isolating. I have not had the words to say or write anything for the last week or two. I think I was triggered in a huge way by something a week or two ago but I can't remember the particulars nor do I have the strength to describe it right now. But since then, I have been really struggling. I'm having a hard time even talking with Donna. I just don't have words. I have felt like I don't fit in with society because I can't communicate so I felt the best thing to do is stay by myself and hide.
Tonight I have an overwhelming sense of physically needing to hide. Isolating doesn't seem enough. I've thought about hiding in a closet. It doesn't seem good enough though. I feel like I need to go inside myself - deep, deep inside and disappear for awhile. I would need one of the four alters that I don't have co-consciousness with to take over because I need to be completely away. Or maybe I need a whole new alter. When the abuse was occuring in the past and an alter was created, it all seemed to happen automatically. It was as if my mind and my system knew what was needed and it made it happen. I wonder if it will know that I need this right now. I wonder if it will happen automatically or if somehow this "ability" of mine is no longer there.
Posted by Butterflyteam on February 6, 2005 7:16 PM
I know things have been hard for you. I've wanted to send you messages when I've seen you online, but I know you've wanted to keep to yourself so I've been respecting your need to isolate. But please know that you can talk to me any time you need to sweetie.
Posted by: Pilgrim at February 6, 2005 9:52 PM
