Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team
January 22, 2005
feeling unheard.....
Feeling unheard or misunderstood is a huge trigger for me. These feelings have been very present lately, yet there is another level to them. I have felt very disconnected from Donna. I've been trying desperately to find a way to feel connected to her and so much is getting in the way. The other day she said to me that she felt like she couldn't reach me. That's how I have been feeling about her. I feel like I have so much I need to tell her but I don't know what or I don't know how. I feel frustrated. And when I can't figure out what I need to say, I feel unheard and all alone. I know it's stupid to feel unheard when I haven't even said anything, but I think that's the issue. I remember always desperately needing someone to know without me having to say it. I wished that someone could just look at me and figure out what was going on, knowing I could never say anything about it. I think maybe there are things that I just desperately need Donna to know without me having to tell her. While growing up there were a few times people asked me what was wrong and I could only respond "nothing" - while I was screaming on the inside -please see it without me having to say it. Please.
I told Donna some of this and she said that she would make an effort to "see it without me having to say it." Today I was with her for a long time at a workshop and everything just went all wrong. It was a workshop that was supposed to be about body issues which is something I desperately need to work on. Stephanie was even willing to do some work with this. I think she really wanted a place to say how she felt about the body she has to live in. She was expecting to do this today (whether she came out and said it herself or she would get her feelings out through me). But this didn't happen. Samantha got triggered by something and Donna felt it was better to process that. I told her Stephanie was upset but she said sometimes other things take priority. I can understand that. Really I can. But, this is where the feeling unheard piece becomes a huge trigger. I think Donna thought that Stephanie was upset because she didn't get to do what she planned. That she needed it to go perfectly. Yes, that's true. But it's so much more than that. Expecting something to be one way and then have it go in a completely different direction is unbelievably triggering for all of us. It's so much more than just needing things to go prefectly. It's the unexpected. It just sets us all off, even if the unexpected thing isn't necessarily harmful to us. It is still something that wasn't expected. The only experience we have known is that the unexpected leads to something very bad.
I feel like Donna thinks I'm angry with her. I'm not. At one point in the workshop, after all this happened, she checked in with me and I said I was fine. I know she knew that I wasn't fine but by her reaction I felt she thought I was just angry. And I wasn't. I desperately needed her to see what I wasn't saying. And I know this is such an unreasonable request. How can I expect someone to always see what I am trying to say without actually saying it? That's not very fair of me. But why is it so important to me?
UGH! This is so frustrating. Everyone inside is just screaming "WILL SOMEBODY JUST FUCKING SEE WHAT IS GOING ON?????!!!!! WE DON'T HAVE WORDS TO EXPRESS IT. WE CAN'T EXPRESS IT. WE'RE NOT ALLOWED. BUT PLEASE. PLEASE JUST SEE IT!!!"
And as I sit here and write all this the feelings of being unheard are just growing ang growing. I don't want to have to write all of this and explain. I just need people to know without me having to say it. I suppose this is why I have had an excruciating headache for the past 5 hours. Somebody probably pounding me on the head trying to get me to see how unreasonable I am being......
Posted by Butterflyteam on January 22, 2005 04:21 PM
