Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team

November 3, 2004

Who is that in the mirror?

I lost time in my therapy session with Donna today. I was triggered by a sound towards the beginning of the session and the next thing I knew, our time was almost up. I hate when that happens. It makes me feel like I have no control. I don't know why the sound triggered me. All I know is that when I heard it, I was instantly terrified.

It's so hard sharing sessions with alters. I feel like I never get to spend time with Donna. I had a session yesterday too and Abby was there for a while. It was actually good, I think, because she hasn't been with Donna for a while and I'm so busy with school that she and the other little ones don't get much time for anything lately. But now I feel like I missed my time with Donna today too and I have to wait a whole week to see her again. I don't want to share my time with her. I feel like a little kid. I want to be selfish and not have to share her. The truth is - I want a mom.

I had a group therapy session afterwards tonight and just had a really hard time through it. I just didn't want to be there. Donna asked us to do some writing and sharing about "telling" and I couldn't do it. I think there are some things I might want to write about it some day, but not tonight. It's too much right now.

I'm not feeling well physically. On Friday night I had a nightmare that triggered some bad body memories that have been very strong since I woke up Saturday. I haven't been able to eat or drink anything. I don't want anything in my mouth. So I haven't had anything to eat or drink in four days. I feel very weak and out of it. I'm not sure I can go on much longer like this. I don't know why the body memories won't leave.

Halloween is in five days. I don't like Halloween.

Posted by Butterflyteam on November 3, 2004 5:51 PM

Posted by: Pilgrim at November 13, 2004 7:36 AM

Posted by: Butterflyteam at November 13, 2004 9:47 AM