Main » November 2004

November 28, 2004

pain that is so raw.....

I'm feeling pain that is so raw and so deep. For the past two or three days I have been in such a fog. I am aware that I am in the present (2004) but my feelings are in the past. And the feelings are so real, so raw, so intense, so painful. I feel tremendous sadness. I feel tremendous loss. I feel tremendous loneliness. I feel tremendous despair. I feel tremendous hopelessness. I have to go to work tomorrow and I am thinking to myself - how can I possibly work when I am feeling like this. I feel like I can't even put one foot in front of the other, nonetheless attend to the needs of 30 nine year olds. I don't feel like seeing people - not the children, not the other teachers. I just want to be by myself. I am overwhelmed by the thought that there is absolutely nothing that can heal these deep, painful wounds of mine. The wounds of all the hurt children inside of me. I have work that I should be doing right now but all I want is to go to bed. But truthfully, going to bed right now frightens me so much.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 10:04 PM

November 6, 2004

far away in my head........

feeling kind of sad and lonely today. i did a few things but just feel like i'm going through the motions. my body is accomplishing my errands but my head is somewhere very far away. went to a friend's house for an annual friend get together dinner for thanksgiving. i know, it's a bit early. i'm sure it sounds like fun and you might wonder why i feel so lonely when i have a friend's house to go to. I do love these friends and i usually have a good time with them........but, they don't know. not the whole story anyway. that makes me feel even more alone than if i didn't have any friends to be with. i don't know if that makes sense or not.

i have a lot of work to do for school. should be doing some now but i don't feel like it. putting it off until tomorrow. however i know tomorrow will come and go and i won't feel like doing it. my head is so far away. i'm not grounded at all. i fell like i can't handle the normal everyday stuff that "normal" people handle. i feel like i need to be put in a padded room, the door locked, and the key thrown away.........and me, just forgotten about. why can't i get a grip on things? why can't i function like normal people? i feel so overwhelmed by the simplest things. living life requires SOOOO much effort. so much more effort than i have to give.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 9:05 PM

November 4, 2004

lonely...

i feel really lonely....

today's nana's birthday. she died a little over a year ago. i miss her.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 3:23 PM

November 3, 2004

Who is that in the mirror?

I lost time in my therapy session with Donna today. I was triggered by a sound towards the beginning of the session and the next thing I knew, our time was almost up. I hate when that happens. It makes me feel like I have no control. I don't know why the sound triggered me. All I know is that when I heard it, I was instantly terrified.

It's so hard sharing sessions with alters. I feel like I never get to spend time with Donna. I had a session yesterday too and Abby was there for a while. It was actually good, I think, because she hasn't been with Donna for a while and I'm so busy with school that she and the other little ones don't get much time for anything lately. But now I feel like I missed my time with Donna today too and I have to wait a whole week to see her again. I don't want to share my time with her. I feel like a little kid. I want to be selfish and not have to share her. The truth is - I want a mom.

I had a group therapy session afterwards tonight and just had a really hard time through it. I just didn't want to be there. Donna asked us to do some writing and sharing about "telling" and I couldn't do it. I think there are some things I might want to write about it some day, but not tonight. It's too much right now.

I'm not feeling well physically. On Friday night I had a nightmare that triggered some bad body memories that have been very strong since I woke up Saturday. I haven't been able to eat or drink anything. I don't want anything in my mouth. So I haven't had anything to eat or drink in four days. I feel very weak and out of it. I'm not sure I can go on much longer like this. I don't know why the body memories won't leave.

Halloween is in five days. I don't like Halloween.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 5:51 PM | Comments (2)