Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team
October 5, 2004
an overwhelming time of year.........
I haven't written in a while. I've been struggling. It's always hard for me this time of the year. For so long I never really knew why I would fall apart every October. But as more and more pieces of the puzzle come together, it's amazing how many traumatic things have happened at this time of year. All it takes is the weather getting a little cooler and that starts a chain of triggers. And then there are the anniversary dates. Just so many of them from the end of September through the beginning of November. It justs seems like more and more get added to the list as the years go on - all during these months. Tomorrow is the first anniversary of the death of a student from my school. His younger sister is in my class this year. Tomorrow will be a hard day.
It's cold tonight. Very Fall-like. I keep seeing flashes of colored leaves in my mind. Even though the leaves haven't really begun to change colors yet, I think I know where these images in my head are coming from. I think it means Jane is close. The few flashbacks that I have had from the abortion (a result of a rape from ***** when I was 13) there were leaves on the ground. I don't know the exact date of the abortion. I assume Jane does but she has not revealed it. I just know it occurred in the Fall. Most likely October - possibly early November. This was a very hard period of time last year. This year, some new things have been added. There is a great fear of Halloween. I can't stand the decorations I am starting to see everywhere. The cooler weather associated with this time of year brings so much fear. Yet, I'm not sure exactly what of. That's the hardest part. I have so much fear but no specific memories. I know someone inside does. I think they shared it with Donna. But she hasn't told me and I don't have coconsciousness with this alter. So I'm left with the feelings of fear, terror, anxiety and I'm not even sure why. It's so hard. I just wish I could crawl into bed and not come out until this whole season passes.
Posted by Butterflyteam on October 5, 2004 6:01 PM
