Main » September 2004

September 21, 2004

would anyone notice.....

Would anyone notice, really notice, if I just disappeared off the face of this Earth? They don't seem to notice when someone else is out. They see my body so they assume it's me. So if I chose to disappear, would they notice? Would they care? Wouldn't the space I take up be better served if I handed it over to someone more deserving? I think so.

I'm tired.......really, really, really exhausted. I can't do it all, however I can't accept less than "all" from myself. I can't keep up with work. I can't deal with new memories. I can't deal with everyone inside - their feelings and emotions. Don't they get it? I'm worn out. If I manage to fall asleep at night, it's only for 2-3 hours at the most. I can't function on that anymore.

Why can't I just disappear? Everyone else inside can just go on and deal with whatever they want to.......but I WANT OUT. I'm done. I've given all that I can. There's nothing left.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 7:10 PM

September 16, 2004

Tara.....

Tara is really struggling........Something traumatic happened at school and it has really triggered Tara. A 6 year old girl from my school witnessed her father murder her mother a few nights ago. Tara hears people talking about it. She has been so scared but more than that, she has been desperately wanting "a mother". I can't stop her screaming in my head. All I hear over and over again is "i want my mommy. i need my mommy. where is my mommy?" She thinks something horrible is going to happen to her too because she is also 6 years old. She is terrified and feels abandoned and just..........distraught. I don't know how to handle her. When she gets this bad, I can't separate myself from her. I don't know how to comfort her because I am feeling the same way too. I can't be the calming and supportive adult for her. I'm too confused and overwhelmed by all of the feelings too. When I feel like this, I want a mommy too. Why don't we both have a mommy? It's not fair. I'm scared too. I feel abandoned too. Even though my 29 adult self knows that in reality we are safe.......when an alter is feeling these things as strongly as Tara is right now.......her feelings win. They are stronger than reality. They are our truth. They are what controls us. We sit in fear and sadness and abandonment.......................we want a mommy

Posted by Butterflyteam at 8:17 PM

September 12, 2004

not enough time......

I don't have enough time to fit everything in. Think about how much just one person has to do in a day. Now multiply that by 14. How do I find time for everyone inside?

For the past 2 weeks I have had so much to do for school. I can't seem to catch up. There has been absolutely no time for anyone inside. I know Abby is dying to come out and just play. I know Tara needs me to do something to make her feel comforted and safe. I know Jane and Stephanie need time to express themselves. I know these new alters that have been around are stirring up things inside. How do I give them all time and still get done what I need to do for work? My apartment is a disaster. It desperately needs to be cleaned. I don't have time. I have a list that is a mile long of things I have to do for school. And everyone inside is needing their time to be up front. I have been putting them off as long as I can but I know it's going to backfire. I feel them getting more and more urgent and persistent. It's all going to blow up in my face soon. I just don't know where to find the time. This has happened before. When I have ignored their needs in the past, it only got worse for all of us. They don't like being ignored. I wish I had the time to give them. I just don't. I don't know what to do.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 8:27 PM

September 11, 2004

Sept. 11th........Dear Billy

Dear Billy,
I remember the last day that I saw you. I was at your house to meet up with S. We were going to an AA meeting together. You were putting on your sneakers - getting ready to go out for a run. I was struggling that day. You came over to me and put your arm around me. You said I needed to hang in. That I would be okay if I kept going to meetings. That you saw S turn her life around and I could too. That your family was there for me whenever I needed you. That I would be okay. You smiled at me, turned towards the door and walked out to start your run. S and I got in the car and headed to the meeting. We passed you on the way. S slowed the car down and we whistled and shouted out "Sexy" as we drove past you. You smiled and waved. That was the last time I saw you.

On the morning of September 11th you woke up early and went to work in the Trade Center. It was always so important for you to work hard. You wanted to give your family everything. And you always gave them and everyone who came into your life more than anyone could ask for. S spoke to you around 8:30 in the morning and told you she found your cell phone on the table. You had forgotten it that morning. 15 minutes later, the first plane hit. I was at school when I found out what happened. I had to keep myself together all day for my children in my class. Outside of my school, you could see the Twin Towers in the distance. I saw the smoke and tried to keep myself together thinking that you were inside of there. As I watched the towers collapse into a heap of dust, my heart stopped beating for a few seconds. I prayed that you were late to work that day (I didn't know yet that S had already spoken to you there). When school was over, I drove to your house. I stayed there for several days on end. So many people were there. We all sat and watched the unbelievable sites on TV. We all waited and prayed. We waited to hear from you. We prayed that you were safe somewhere, just not able to get in touch with us. We went to the city to check hospitals. We hung up pictures of you hoping someone who saw you last could tell us where you were. Hours passed. Days passed. No word from you. Reality started to hit. You weren't coming home.

I often sit and wonder what you went through that morning. Did you die instantly when the plane hit? Were you still alive and trapped somewhere? Were you trying to get down the 100+ flights of stairs when the tower collapsed? My hope was that you died right away and instantly went to a better place. This whole situation is unbearable but it would be even more unbearable to think you were alive and trapped and scared and trying to get out.

I miss your smile, your optimism, your generous heart. You welcomed me into your family as if I was your own daughter. I never got to tell you how much that meant to me........how much it still means to me.

Your daughter got married a few months ago. She didn't have her father there to walk her down the aisle. I know you were there with her, though. Your son has your picture tattoed on his upper back. Underneath, it says "My Dad, My Hero." I listen to S share at meetings about how much her heart aches without her soalmate by her side. They started a foundation in your name. It has been very successful, helping many people just like you'd always done. Your spirit goes on, Billy.

Three years have passed but it doesn't seem any easier. You are still missed very much. I don't go to your house as much anymore. It got too hard. It reminds me of the days on end spent there waiting for you to come home. Everytime the door opened, praying it was you who walked through it.

You have not been forgotten, Billy. We miss you terribly.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 2:05 PM

September 8, 2004

having needs......

I read something today about having needs. I hate this topic. My belief is that I'm not allowed to have needs. It's just not acceptable that I should need something. A small part of me does know that this belief is irrational. All human beings have needs and that it is okay for human beings to have needs. I would never think differently of someone else who needed something. But from the place that I operate most - I am not allowed to have needs.

I think this comes from the way my mother always made me feel growing up. She always took care of my physical needs but totally neglected me emotionally. But even though she did take care of my physical needs, she did it with this "annoyed" feeling attached. There were always "sighs" and "faces" and "little comments" that always made me feel like I was in the way.....that I was such a huge burden.....that it was so much trouble that I simply existed. I internalized this at a VERY young age. I can remember being only 3 or 4 years old and taking care of things for myself that no child that age should have to do for themselves. I was scared to make it known that I needed something. I was scared to make it known that I was really there.....that I really existed. I didn't want to be a burden to my mother or to anyone. I remember feeling guilty at 5 years old.....guilty for being alive.

I felt like it was wrong to have needs. That needing something meant that I was bothering someone. These are the thoughts that are still with me today. I still have such a fear of bothering people. I feel tremendously guilty, not only for asking for something I need, but guilty for simply needing things. I feel like I should not need things. I am not entitled to need things. It's not allowed for me. Although there is that small piece of me that knows that this thinking is irrational, it is so hard to let go of these other thoughts.....the thoughts that consume me the majority of the time.....the thoughts that say I should not need anything.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 3:40 PM

September 7, 2004

first day of school tomorrow....

First day of school tomorrow. The kids come. I wish I was feeling better right now. It's going to be very hard to put up a front in front of them. I love teaching and I love the children more than anything - but sometimes I wish I had a job where I can walk into an office, close the door behind me and just get done what I had to get done and not have to worry so much about pretending to be happy. I have an alter (The Teacher) who has taken over in my class when I have been at my worst. She can put aside whatever is going on inside us once the children enter our room. She can proceed to teach and delight in the wonderful kids. I am terrified that she will not show up tomorrow. Things are so chaotic inside right now. Some alters are not fulfilling their usual roles. So many shifts going on. I'm very scared that if The Teacher doesn't show, I will be forced to pull it all together myself and I'm not too sure I can do that.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 7:39 PM

September 6, 2004

sick thinking (suicide)

I'm sitting here panicking about going back to work tomorrow. I should be grateful I have a job. I should be grateful I am healthy enough (at least physically - mentally is debatable at this point!) to go to work. But I'm not. I'm just freaking about not being able to handle it and I'm trying to come up with a way to get out of it.

I hate that suicide is always an option that I consider. No matter what is going on for me, I always rationalize the fact that I always have a way out. I can kill myself. As I'm sitting here, I just heard on the news that a student from NYU killed herself this morning by jumping off a building. And my reaction to hearing this.........I say to myself - she's lucky. That's just sick!! I am such a sick person. I don't deserve to be alive. NYU is right near Donna's office. I could easily go in any of those buildings and go to the top. Everytime I'm in Manhattan, the thought crosses my mind. Everytime I take the train there or back and I step off onto the platform the thought crosses my mind about jumping onto the tracks. Everytime I drive over the bridges to work I think about driving my car off one of them. Will I ever reach a point in my life where these thoughts won't cross my mind?

No need to worry. I always manage to get through. But I'm sick of just managing. I'm just sick of all of this.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 10:57 PM

September 5, 2004

self injury........

I want to cut so badly right now. There are several reasons why. I want to just hurt myself. I feel like I deserve to be hurt....punished....for being bad. I'm pretty sure these are the thoughts of someone inside....possibly Stephanie. I feel like my insides are overflowing with hurt, pain, sadness.....and that if I cut myself, I can release at least a little of it. I also want to cut to show people how much I am hurting on the inside. When you go to work each day and you are responsible and you take care of what needs to be done and you socialize with coworkers and friends.......people don't see the terrible pain you are in on the inside. My insides are absolutely aching right now.......just TREMENDOUS pain, fear, sadness, lonliness, desperation. Why doesn't anyone see this? Why doesn't anyone help me? i need help. I want to cut myself....cut every inch of my body. I want people to see the cuts and hear the cuts screaming "Now can you see the pain I am in!!!!!!!!"

Posted by Butterflyteam at 11:38 PM

September 2, 2004

depressed/hopeless....

can't shake this depression.....feeling hopeless....not really sure what's behind it.....not sure if it matters....nothing seems to matter....feels like i'm going backwards.....thought this paralyzing despair was behind me.....not sure if i can move through it this time.....it's got a grip on me SOOO tight....don't think i'll ever get loose from it.....

Posted by Butterflyteam at 10:57 PM

hard night.....

I fell asleep early on last night, but after only about an hour of sleeping, I woke up because of a bad dream. Tara was close by and eventually took over for a little while. She was very scared and wanted someone to hold her. I don't even think I remember what the dream was about. But I know there were many things triggering me last night. I never made it back to sleep. So now it's 7:00AM and I am getting ready to go to school and work in my classroom on an hour's sleep. This is not new to me. There were plenty of times during the school year when I went to school after never sleeping the night before. Nights are the worst for me. There's just too much anxiety, fear, terror, panic.......

Posted by Butterflyteam at 7:03 AM

September 1, 2004

far, far away.......

It is me who is present, yet I feel so far away. I don't even know if I can explain it. I'm inside my head, but I am so far back in it. It's weird. I don't think any words could describe it so I'm not even going to try.

I just can't let go of this depressed, hopeless feeling. It's going on several days now. I've been back at work this week - setting up my classroom. It's not going well. I can't get focused or organized. I sit there in the middle of my room doing nothing. I can't make decisions about how I want to set things up. It was frustrating in the beginning but now......I feel like I could care less. I know that's not really true. I enjoy teaching. I care a great deal about my students and want the environment that they spend their day in to be safe and warm and nurturing. But right now, I just feel like I don't care about anything. I want to crawl into bed and never come out.

Posted by Butterflyteam at 11:16 PM