Health Diaries > Dissociative Identity Disorder > Butterfly Team
September 08, 2004
having needs......
I read something today about having needs. I hate this topic. My belief is that I'm not allowed to have needs. It's just not acceptable that I should need something. A small part of me does know that this belief is irrational. All human beings have needs and that it is okay for human beings to have needs. I would never think differently of someone else who needed something. But from the place that I operate most - I am not allowed to have needs.
I think this comes from the way my mother always made me feel growing up. She always took care of my physical needs but totally neglected me emotionally. But even though she did take care of my physical needs, she did it with this "annoyed" feeling attached. There were always "sighs" and "faces" and "little comments" that always made me feel like I was in the way.....that I was such a huge burden.....that it was so much trouble that I simply existed. I internalized this at a VERY young age. I can remember being only 3 or 4 years old and taking care of things for myself that no child that age should have to do for themselves. I was scared to make it known that I needed something. I was scared to make it known that I was really there.....that I really existed. I didn't want to be a burden to my mother or to anyone. I remember feeling guilty at 5 years old.....guilty for being alive.
I felt like it was wrong to have needs. That needing something meant that I was bothering someone. These are the thoughts that are still with me today. I still have such a fear of bothering people. I feel tremendously guilty, not only for asking for something I need, but guilty for simply needing things. I feel like I should not need things. I am not entitled to need things. It's not allowed for me. Although there is that small piece of me that knows that this thinking is irrational, it is so hard to let go of these other thoughts.....the thoughts that consume me the majority of the time.....the thoughts that say I should not need anything.
Posted by Butterflyteam on September 8, 2004 03:40 PM
