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October 6, 2004

The Story

I have something called Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD). I've had this since I have been 14. Only a few months ago did I find out that my feelings are a real disorder and I'm not alone. It all started whenever I first came into high school. I've always been a little girl and I saw bigger varieties of females. It didn't really bother me until I discovered everything a guy looked for in a girl. One girl really stood out to me. Her name is Trish Stratus and she is a professional wrestler. The guys were crazy over her and she obviously had it all. She had every quality that was perfect. At first whenever I saw her it was just jealousy and it made me dislike her very much. But it didn't take long until she became an obsession to me. I found myself staring at her picture everyday, at first just filled with anger whenever I looked at her, but eventually I started to feel sadness whenever I looked at her. It's terrible. I could get so sad just by looking at a picture. I got sad because she was perfect and I wasn't. Everything about her is perfect. Everything about her was different than me. Everynight all I could do was obsess about how different we looked. As a result, I developed major self-hatred. Everynight I would cry to her picture. It's not fair she was made that way and I wasn't. Why was she chosen to be the perfect one and not me? For hours all I could do was stare at her and think about how disgusting I was. I could hardly look in mirrors unless it was absolutely needed. Everytime I saw myself, I would get so sad. I didn't want to feel this way about myself! It couldn't be controlled. I had to get rid of anything that looked like myself. I had to look like Trish. So I did everything I could do. I dyed my hair blonde. I wore padded bras. I copied her make up exactly, especially her lips. I laid in the tanning bed everyday. Everything I did still wasn't enough. I still wasn't Trish, I could never be her. I still hated myself. I changed EVERYTHING that made me ME and it still didn't fix me! Later I discovered all girls had something that I didn't have. That drives me insane. Everytime I see a girl, I check her out. Not because I am attracted to her, but because I am comparing myself to her. Everytime I see a girl I compare myself to her and this feeling comes over me. I can't really explain the feeling. It's self-hatred and sadness and anger all at once. It makes me want to die. It's not fair that I hate myself because I don't look a certain way. I can't control it. I have to live with this everyday. Everytime I look in the mirror I worry because I am so scared I'm going to see one of my features in a different way and obsess about how it looks. You have NO IDEA how it feels to truly hate yourself. You have no idea what it feels like to not be able to be comfortable in your own skin. In the right moment, if my hand touches one of my body parts, it hurts. In my mind, it is SO HARD for me to put on clothes, because I don't want to touch myself. Whenever my hands touch some of my body, I feel so much pain. I punish myself whenever I take a bath. I make myself look at what I have and compare it to others. It hurts...so bad.

Here is a picture of me whenenever my BDD first began and was at it's worst. The second picture is Trish Stratus. Refer to the italicized part. Look at what she has done to a 14 year old freshman in high school.

Here is a picture of me now. I guess you could say I have become more self-accepting throughout the years.

Posted by Danielle at 2:09 PM