November 11, 2004

In a world of hating yourself, you would think that you'd at least have your boyfriend to make you feel pretty in the least. Not in my world. Isn't your boyfriend supposed to make you feel truly beautiful, flawless, and desirable? I thought so. Imagine living with BDD and your boyfriend (of all people) promoting your self-hate instead of trying to heal it. Not only does he make me feel hideous, he doesn't even believe I have BDD. He says every teen girl goes through what I go through. My first entry was originally an e-mail to him telling him why I got so emotional all the time, only there was much more detail involved. After pouring out my every feeling...I'm not believed. That is such a slap in the face to me. Maybe I could understand if we haven't been together that long, but we've been together for over a year. OK, now I need to give details about how he makes me feel like the ugliest thing on Earth. You see how emotional Trish Stratus makes me. Early on in our relationship, I told him I hated Trish Stratus because she is perfect, he said he didn't really like her either. I was so amazed that a guy didn't like Trish Stratus, it was such an amazing feeling. Well, the feeling wouldn't last for long. About 4 months later, he started showing an interest in Trish. Naturally, I didn't say anything because I wanted to see the true him and I was hiding my BDD. It took about a month for him to start really liking Trish. My BOYFRIEND (think about everything a boyfriend is supposed to be) was glorifying the girl who made me want to die. No, it wasn't the occasional looking up her picture on the internet. His background on his computer was Trish Stratus in a revealing bikini. He had a wall in his room dedicated to her, all pictures in which she's half-naked. And he said it was his favorite. He even asked me for pictures of her he could have. Oh, it didn't stop there. He told me that he wanted her to model for playboy (my BOYFRIEND wants to see another girl NAKED! How outrageous is that?!). I found numerous sites that he went to with her nude/close-to-nude pictures. He had pictures of her saved...but only the ones of her showing off her cleavage or butt. And finally, he had pictures of her on his display picture. I was forced to look at her and think about him thinking about her, while he talked to me. My BOYFRIEND the one who said that "I'm the only girl in his eyes, he 'loves' me." is...liking HER. THE ONE WHO MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I AM THE UGLIEST PERSON ON EARTH, THE ONE WHO MAKES ME CRY EVERYTIME I SEE HER, THE ONE WHO MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I NEED TO STAY LOCKED UP IN MY HOUSE AWAY FROM THE WORLD...HE IS GLORIFYING AND RUBBING IN MY FACE HE LIKES HER!! Living with this in my heart everyday...it's such a feeling of pain, it can't even be described. Of all girls, it's her. It's like I was sent here on Earth to be ugly, and KNOW I am ugly. I told a friend about my feelings and my friend told him. He took his posters of other girls down. Did it help? No. I still had the memories and the dis-satisfaction of knowing he took them down un-willingly. I'll never understand. If your the hottest thing in the world to him whenever you first meet him, and you still look the same over time, then why does he look at other for enjoyment now? Why am I replaceable? I am not ugly, but I FEEL ugly because the person I love looks at other girls. I don't know why I have lost value to him. I look the same as I did whenever we first got together. Did I become "ugly" after my boyfriend has grown accustom to my face and body? When he knows I am a human being and not a "mysteriously perfect" Playboy girl.

Posted by Danielle at 8:44 PM

October 6, 2004

I have something called Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD). I've had this since I have been 14. Only a few months ago did I find out that my feelings are a real disorder and I'm not alone. It all started whenever I first came into high school. I've always been a little girl and I saw bigger varieties of females. It didn't really bother me until I discovered everything a guy looked for in a girl. One girl really stood out to me. Her name is Trish Stratus and she is a professional wrestler. The guys were crazy over her and she obviously had it all. She had every quality that was perfect. At first whenever I saw her it was just jealousy and it made me dislike her very much. But it didn't take long until she became an obsession to me. I found myself staring at her picture everyday, at first just filled with anger whenever I looked at her, but eventually I started to feel sadness whenever I looked at her. It's terrible. I could get so sad just by looking at a picture. I got sad because she was perfect and I wasn't. Everything about her is perfect. Everything about her was different than me. Everynight all I could do was obsess about how different we looked. As a result, I developed major self-hatred. Everynight I would cry to her picture. It's not fair she was made that way and I wasn't. Why was she chosen to be the perfect one and not me? For hours all I could do was stare at her and think about how disgusting I was. I could hardly look in mirrors unless it was absolutely needed. Everytime I saw myself, I would get so sad. I didn't want to feel this way about myself! It couldn't be controlled. I had to get rid of anything that looked like myself. I had to look like Trish. So I did everything I could do. I dyed my hair blonde. I wore padded bras. I copied her make up exactly, especially her lips. I laid in the tanning bed everyday. Everything I did still wasn't enough. I still wasn't Trish, I could never be her. I still hated myself. I changed EVERYTHING that made me ME and it still didn't fix me! Later I discovered all girls had something that I didn't have. That drives me insane. Everytime I see a girl, I check her out. Not because I am attracted to her, but because I am comparing myself to her. Everytime I see a girl I compare myself to her and this feeling comes over me. I can't really explain the feeling. It's self-hatred and sadness and anger all at once. It makes me want to die. It's not fair that I hate myself because I don't look a certain way. I can't control it. I have to live with this everyday. Everytime I look in the mirror I worry because I am so scared I'm going to see one of my features in a different way and obsess about how it looks. You have NO IDEA how it feels to truly hate yourself. You have no idea what it feels like to not be able to be comfortable in your own skin. In the right moment, if my hand touches one of my body parts, it hurts. In my mind, it is SO HARD for me to put on clothes, because I don't want to touch myself. Whenever my hands touch some of my body, I feel so much pain. I punish myself whenever I take a bath. I make myself look at what I have and compare it to others. It hurts...so bad.

Here is a picture of me whenenever my BDD first began and was at it's worst. The second picture is Trish Stratus. Refer to the italicized part. Look at what she has done to a 14 year old freshman in high school.

Here is a picture of me now. I guess you could say I have become more self-accepting throughout the years.

Posted by Danielle at 2:09 PM