Handcuffed to the Roller Coaster > April 2005 Archives

April 26, 2005

When You Think You're Well...

Not one week ago, I was gritting my teeth & fighting thru as fierce a paranoia as any I've had. Then, this week, I was feeling so good, I thought I might just stop taking my antipsychotics and see what happens!

The propblem with this illness is it makes you feel good, so good that you often forget you were recently feeling bad. When I feel better, I usually can't remember how bad I felt, or how long ago it was, even if it was just yesterday. I know it's often like this for others.

The best you can do is force yourself to recall not only how you felt, but when and why, and what caused it. Feeling better, you need to consider, am I manic? or just feeling better? and if so, how long have I felt this way? For me, it's only been one week, and that's hardly a ripple in the pool of my illness.

My therapist has cautioned me not to think of myself as my illness, as someone who has bipolar and therefore can't trust my feelings. I'm still working on that one. It's very hard, when my feelings flipflop so readily. It takes practice, to consider that you have an illnes, not that you are an illness.

Posted by Susan at 2:31 PM | Comments (0)

April 19, 2005

Paranoia

It seems that no sooner are things going right for me than my brain takes off running with some crazy thought. Anyone who says dismissively "Oh, you're just being paranoid", needs to be stripped, shackled, and forced to live in my brain when I get delusional. Paranoia isn't a small thing, and it isn't funny.

This week, it was my job (as usual). Our building's owner came to the office building I work at over the weekend, and I met him at a secure garage he keeps his personal items in. It was a pretty typical thing. Then, after he was gone, I started worrying. Maybe he'd just come to test our response time? Maybe I should have asked to see his ID? Maybe this was some setup to fire me for failure to act properly?

Of course, my head took off and ran with it. Telling myself that these thoughts were ridiculous and grandiose did absolutely no good at all. I could only manage by not thinking at all. A dreadful way to spend a weekend. Of course, when I went back to work, no one even mentioned the incident.

Paranoia. It's a less-than-fun part of bipolar disorder. Sometimes, there's nothing you can do but hang on, grit your teeth, and try and keep it from getting psychotic on you. It's tough, but there are no easy answers in bipolar.

Posted by Susan at 9:44 PM | Comments (0)

April 15, 2005

Feeling Well

When I'm feeling better, I hold it like a delicate glass Christmas tree ornament, like a thin, blown-glass treasure that might shatter at any moment. I'd love to be able to enjoy it, but instead I hold it like a rare flower, that I know is going to die at any moment.

Feeling good is not that rare for me, but it does always end at some time. If I could change anything about me, it would be to relax and enjoy feeling well, and let the chips fall where they may. I'd like to feel normal, and not have to worry about whether I'm too high or manicky.

It's something I'm working on with my therapist, this feeling well sensation. I'd like to be, not happy or overjoyed, but just well. Just normal.

Posted by Susan at 11:55 AM | Comments (0)

April 12, 2005

Telling Your Dr. What's Wrong

It's awfully easy to view your dr. as sitting just below God. That's because that's often where your dr. thinks he/she is sitting. You are just a lowly patient, and take the treatment meted out to you by this godly being. This is wrong.

If you feel like a drug or therapy regimen isn't working, you need to tell your dr. so he/she can adjust your treatment. This can be scary. After all, your dr. knows a bunch of stuff you don't.

My advice to you is to educate yourself as much as possible about your illness. Learn about all the meds on the market, not just the flavor of the week (Is it prozac? Or zoloft?) Learn about the side effects, in case your dr. doesn't tell you about them. The more you learn, the less godlike your dr. will become.

Know your symptoms. You should be able to tell if you are feeling unusually high or low, or if you are cycling again. Don't let your dr brush these things aside. If you feel you need to adjust your meds, tell your dr. so.

Remember, you're the one who's sick. Not your dr. Know your illness. Direct your recovery.

Posted by Susan at 4:00 PM | Comments (0)

April 5, 2005

Tie a Knot & Hang On

What do you do when your cycling has started again? Well, you could give up. It's easy to sigh and cry and sleep and eat Twinkies and miss work, get fired and then really be depressed. Believe me, the urge to do that is nearly overwhelming. Or, do what I do. Tie a knot and hang on.

I started seeing a therapist, the first real therapist I've had in many, many years. She has me doing art therapy, despite the fact all I can draw is little stick figures. In three sessions, we've discovered I'm preoccupied with loss and change and that leads to depression. We've also learned I'm very out of touch with my emotions.

It's the meds, of course. The same meds that even out the swings that make it so I don't know which feelings are genuine, put a barrier between me and my real feelings. I know they're down there, but it's going to take a lot of work to bring that wall down. Berlin was probably easier.

So I'm swinging from a knot on the end of a long rope. I've been here before. I know I can do it. It's not much fun, but I've done it before. I can do it again.

Posted by Susan at 11:26 PM | Comments (0)