Health Diaries > Bipolar Disorder > Handcuffed to the Roller Coaster
March 21, 2005
Just a Little Unwell: WARNING! SELF-INJURY TOPIC
Had a bad couple of weeks, that got me thinking about what we do to ourselves when we're feeling down. Half this disease is feeling bad, and when I feel bad, I tend to do bad things to myself.
WARNING: I'LL BE TALKING ABOUT SELF INJURY. IF THIS IS A BAD TOPIC FOR YOU, STOP READING NOW.
So, I wasn't feeling very good. I was, in fact, feeling kind of disassociated from myself. I had this weird interlude at work, where I got off the elevator and couldn't remember where I was or why I was there. It only lasted a second, but it was scary, nonetheless. When I get these disassociated feelings, they always go hand in hand with needing to cut myself. This time, I held it off for two days, but the need got too strong. I never cut deep, just enough to hurt and see blood. What made this time unusual was that I did it at work. (I ruined two work shirts, getting lots of blood on the sleeves)
I've known a lot of bipolars who self-injure. Usually, it happens during what's called "mixed" states. The best way to describe these states is feeling depressed and anxious at the same time. You feel nervous and hopeless and manic and suicidal all at once. Nerves sing like high-tension wires. Any release is a welcome release, and cutting is such a release.
If you do self injure, don't feel all alone. Nothing is as isolating as being a self-cutter, but there are websites that provide forums for those of us who have this secret shame, and will talk to you and hold your imaginary hand while you go through the despair. And they won't judge you while you do it. You can even search them through Google.
As a self-injurer, let me close by saying this: Don't be afraid to tell someone. Even the embarassment of telling someone isn't as bad as suffering alone. I was shocked and surprised when I finally told my mom, and she didn't have a fit or get upset. She asked a few questions, then told me she would pay for me to see a therapist, which I havent' been doing. It was nowhere near as bad as I thought. Tell someone, even if it's online. Don't suffer alone.
Posted by Susan on March 21, 2005 2:43 PM
