Health Diaries > Bipolar Disorder > Handcuffed to the Roller Coaster

October 10, 2004

What Depression Means

Don't you just wish you could explain to people what it feels like when you're depressed? Ideally, you could be in mental telepathy with them and show them, but there's really no way to tell people what depression is like.

They think it is like being sad, or unhappy. They may relate it to simple boredom. This is where you get suggestions like, "What do you have to be depressed over?" or, "Why don't you just do *-* and then you'll feel better," as if depression were only being at a loss for things to keep one occupied. My mom likes to tell me to take a walk or get some exercise.

I've been riding a low this week--part of the reason I haven't been writing, and today I couldn't get out of bed until it was time to go to work. And it's not like I didn't have tons of stuff to do, or I couldn't have exercised on the treadmill, I just couldn't get up. I was tired.

Being depressed is more like being physically exhausted. Every chore or task seems insurmountable. I had laundry to do today, and I mean LAUNDRY. Everything I own is dirty. But I couldn't make myself get up to do it. I was too tired. The physical task of sorting, carrying down to the laundry room, putting the soap in the wash, it was all too much. Easier to stay in bed.

Being depressed is like having just run a marathon. Everyone has seen the end of an ironman triathlon on TV, when the runners come in and just collapse into their trainers' arms, spent, with nothing left to give. They may have laundry to do too, but you'll never catch them doing it. No one would expect it of them. Depression is like that.

Nothing is pleasurable, in depression. People may say, "I don't always like everything, either," but depression is different. It's like looking at the world through smeared glasses. Flowers are less bright, the sky is less blue. It's just not nice, and there seems to be no reason to keep trying to find something to like in all that gray dinginess.

It took me forty-five minutes to sit down and write this, and it's not coming out at all like I hoped. Depression is like that. Nothing is right, thought it's hard to say what is wrong. Everything's askew, and it's just a question of waiting till things straighten back out again.

I'm very tired. I want to sleep. I will have to get up tomorrow and do at least one load of laundry, or my work clothes will go to work by themselves. I think I can manage one chore tomorrow, the laundry. And I will tidy up the kitchen, which I also haven't done all weekend. But maybe this post will help. Maybe you can give it to someone who doesn't understand why you're depressed, and you can explain what it means.

Posted by Susan on October 10, 2004 4:12 AM