Handcuffed to the Roller Coaster > September 2004 Archives

September 28, 2004

Do I Stay or Do I Go?

Still haven't heard back from Knott's. The strain is killing me. Never, never, never make a bipolar person wait. I will give them one more day, then I will call, then go back to my temp agency. I'm not constitutionally built for waiting and waiting.

I think it's the tension more than anything that's getting to me. All I want to do is forget about everything that's going on, that's why I'm sleeping so much. And eating.

I'm applying to college again. This time, I think I want a master's degree. Or a second bachelor's, whichever. I'm going for my degree in Criminal Justice. If that sounds odd, it's because I've spent the last 13 years in Security and paralegal work. It's something I'm definitely interested in, and I at least ought to make money in something I like.

Never, never make a biploar person wait. We're just not made for it. We ruminate, and stress, and despair. I've been trying not to despair, but it's very hard.

Why is my column titled "Handcuffed to the Roller Coaster?" Because that's what it feels like. That's where I am right now. Cuffed to the last car on that old coaster, being slowly dragged up the slope, waiting for the inevitable crash. I really can't take too much more.

Posted by Susan at 4:29 PM

September 27, 2004

Reprieve?

Well, my friend who was coming isn't coming today. He's not feeling well. But now I have a new problem. My mother has a friend who's coming to visit Friday, and my friend says he'll be here on Wednesday. Big trouble. Do I ask him to reschedule? Aaarggh.

I really don't need this stress. I've got enough as it is. I'm still in limbo, waiting for my job at Knott's to come through, and if they don't call me in the next day or so, I'm going to give up and go back to temp work. I really don't want to, but I have to do something. This stretching is just killing me.

Bipolars are rotten people to have to sit and wait. We don't do it very well. We're always imagining the worst that can happen, and then we never believe it when things turn out okay. And if it does turn out bad, we sit and wonder how it could possibly turn out worse. No wonder some of us cut ourselves. It's to relieve the pressure.

Posted by Susan at 4:45 PM

September 26, 2004

Cognitive Therapy and Bad Timing

A good friend of mine is coming to visit this week, and I'm totally miserable. He's a great person to have as a friend, at a very long distance (he lives in Nevada and I'm in Los Angeles), but when he comes to visit he's very draining. He's very high maintenance, and the worst thing is he thinks he loves me. I like him a lot, but as I can't fall in love with anyone who's not smarter than me, I can't fall in love with him. He's nice, but not smart. And he wears me out.

Imagine the worst possible person for a bipolar to have as a friend, and he's it. He has zero empathy for others emotions, probably because he doesn't understand his own. He's very tiring to be around, and he upsets my routines. It'll be hard just to get this diary in every day, and it's one thing I'm committed to. But I'll definitely be here.

My writing problem continues apace. It came to me today, that I'm in the same rut I always seem to get into about this time in my writing: I need to start sending things out, and I get afraid. Only this time, I realized what I was doing: What David Burns calls "All or Nothing Thinking". I think if one person turns down one story, it means all my other work, since the beginning of my career, is shit, and I'll never be any good as a writer.

Obviously, this is wrong. I've had 4 short stories published, one article, 2 electronic books, one print book, finished a course in Novel Writing with an "A" and a course in scriptwriting with a "B". I must have some sort of talent somewhere, for stats like that.

So I've decided it's time to sit down with my "Feeling Good Workbook" and give myself a booster shot of Cognitive Therapy. I can't do it this week, unfortunately, with my houseguest, since I need time and silence to do the work, but next week I will, and I'll keep you informed. If anyone out there's listening.

Posted by Susan at 9:51 PM

September 25, 2004

I'm Useless

Sometimes, I wish I could just give up.

Days when it seems like I ought to give up writing altogether. Maybe I'm really no good at writing. Maybe I've just been kidding myself these last 20 years and I'm not any good. Like today. Got another rejection notice. I'm worthless.

But I can't not write. I'm always making up stories. I have to keep telling myself that somehow, someday, I'll come up with a story that someone will like, and I'll break in. Doesn't it work that way?

I can't think of too much else depressing than thinking that the thing you love most in the world is the one thing you can't do. I ought to just give up, give in, and take a jump off a freeway overpass.

But I know I won't. Maybe I'll take a Bryman college course in Law Enforcement.

Posted by Susan at 2:39 PM

September 24, 2004

It's Tough to Explain

How do you tell someone you're depressed "just a little"?

Mom was getting on me for not being productive lately. I said it was because I was depressed. She said, are you depressed because of your meds, or because you just feel a little down. I said, I don't know, I just feel discouraged. She said, well everyone feels that way sometimes.

How can I explain to her it's not the same thing? We're like two people almost speaking the same language but not quite. As if she speaks Middle English while I'm speaking Modern English. The sounds are all still there, but the words aren't quite the same.

I'm discouraged because things aren't going quite right, and things aren't going quite right because I've been depressed for about 2 weeks. I haven't been able to write, and have energy to work out. It's been a one-or-the-other sort of thing. How do you tell someone who doesn't understand that, how do you explain?

I'm not mad at my mother, or at myself. I just wonder what's the best way to proceed. It seems like it's always been the same problem, over and over again.

Posted by Susan at 11:50 PM

A little About Me

I'm 40 years old. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at the age of 26, after I hospitalized myself for the first time. I never had insurance before then, so that was the first time I could go.

I knew something was wrong with me a long time before that. Thinking back now, I know I've been ill since I was 14, although I only put it into so many words when I was 16. When I was 16, I spent a lot of time alone, obsessively reading a book about disasters, with many graphic pictures of burned bodies and ruined buildings. I wrote stories about horses and isolated young girls, probably no different from many 16 year olds.

When I was 16, I was also very interested in theater. I was the stage manager for a play our drama class was putting on. This was the first time I ever cut myself. I was setting the stage for the opening night, and I dropped a tray of glasses, breaking many of them. I went outside and lay in the grass, and that was when I knew I was depressed. Then I went back inside and took the broken swizzle stick. I sat backstage and practiced digging the broken end of the stick into my wrist. I never told anyone about that.

Posted by Susan at 1:06 AM

September 23, 2004

Waiting--Waiting

I'm waiting for a new job to open up. It's at Knott's Berry Farm. They're supposed to call me this week for my background check and tell me when to start. I was hired on the 8th and it's now the 23rd. They said it would take about 2 weeks, and it's been 2 weeks exactly.

People with bipolar don't wait too well, I guess. We're too busy expecting the worst, imagining something bad will happen. Doctors call it ruminating. Sometimes, I call it just being prepared.

I have to go see my psych today. I was thinking about getting a new dr., and I've been to see a new one I like better but I'm not sure if I want to now or not. We'll see after today. I want to be on a different medication regimen than the one I'm on now, but my dr. is very resistant to making changes. That's why I want a new dr.

I'm very tired today. I worked double hard at my kung fu class last night and my legs are very sore. Funny how making yourself ache all over makes you feel good.

Posted by Susan at 1:36 PM

September 22, 2004

Why Do People Think We're OK?

I think the hardest thing about bipolar is that when we're outwardly "normal" i.e. when our meds are working and we're not veering wildly up and down; people seem to think everything's perfect and we're functioning like "normal people". This is a fallacy.

I still have mood swings, just minor ones, hiccups really, but still I notice them, about every two weeks. On my downswing, which I'm on now, I'm less productive, not as creative, and prone to lying about watching TV most of the day. My mom, whom I live with, does not understand this, or maybe I can't explain it to her properly.

Oh, I can force myself to do some things; but it's a one-or-another proposition. I can make myself go to my kung fu classes, because they're new and they make me feel better, but it's hard to write, because my brain isn't as creative right now. But my mom seems to think I should be doing both. Maybe I should, but I can't.

I feel okay, my mood is not bad, it's just not at peak right now. I guess that's hard to explain to anyone who hasn't been there.

Posted by Susan at 4:27 PM

September 21, 2004

Summaries of Memories

I'm always nervous about writing diaries, especially ones that are going to be published for everyone to see. What should I say? It's kind of embarassing.

I'm writing this because I want to share my experiences with bipolar disorder with others like me, and others who want to learn about people like me. So here goes.

I'm 40 years old. I've had bipolar disorder since I was 14. I've tried to kill myself 6 times. I've been hospitalized four times, twice voluntarily, twice following suicide attempts. Those were very short, only 2 days apiece.

Right now, I've been stable for five months, since May. I'm taking a drug cocktail of five meds, Zyprexa for psychosis, Zoloft, Depakote, Topamax and synthroid. I'm unemployed, but should be working again soon, within the next week or two.

I'll be trying to write a little every day, combining daily status reports with memoirs of my past experiences with bipolar. Comments are welcomed.

Thanks for listening to me. I look forward to talking to you.

Posted by Susan at 11:20 PM