Health Diaries > Handcuffed to the Roller Coaster

March 1, 2007

Well! I didn't even remember I had this site, until a whole bunch of people started emailing me. Between new computers, new jobs, new school....

I'm not doing as well as I might be--bad week, but if I get enough rest this weekend, I might be better. And since so many people have been by, I guess I better start writing again. I'll check back tonight.

x's & o's.

Posted by Susan at 3:15 PM

July 4, 2005

I've been so busy lately, I forgot when I got normal. I can't explain it, except that I feel normal. Not too good, not bad, just average. This is what normal people must feel like. This just sneaked up on me, and I can't figure out when it was that this happened. Or why it suddenly happened. I think it's a combination of a) a drug cocktail that's finally working, b) seeing a therapist who is actually helping, and c) being in a good place workwise, schoolwise and homewise. And cake. I think the cake is helping a lot. You can't have too much cake. Well, you can, but a nice piece of cake once in a while does wonders for the morale. I like white cake with "buttercream" frosting once a week, and that's a good thing.

If I could tell what's made me suddenly normal, I'd bottle it, because it feels wonderful. I felt down last week, when I was suddenly hit with the summer flu, but that was understandable (nothing drags you down like clogged sinuses). For everyone out there, I say: Hang on. It will get better. Sooner or later, you just have to be there, waiting for it.

Posted by Susan at 5:17 PM

April 26, 2005

Not one week ago, I was gritting my teeth & fighting thru as fierce a paranoia as any I've had. Then, this week, I was feeling so good, I thought I might just stop taking my antipsychotics and see what happens!

The propblem with this illness is it makes you feel good, so good that you often forget you were recently feeling bad. When I feel better, I usually can't remember how bad I felt, or how long ago it was, even if it was just yesterday. I know it's often like this for others.

The best you can do is force yourself to recall not only how you felt, but when and why, and what caused it. Feeling better, you need to consider, am I manic? or just feeling better? and if so, how long have I felt this way? For me, it's only been one week, and that's hardly a ripple in the pool of my illness.

My therapist has cautioned me not to think of myself as my illness, as someone who has bipolar and therefore can't trust my feelings. I'm still working on that one. It's very hard, when my feelings flipflop so readily. It takes practice, to consider that you have an illnes, not that you are an illness.

Posted by Susan at 2:31 PM