August 12, 2004
Trying My Best To Overcome This
It's another day and I am just starting out. Have my handy cup of coffee by my side and my faithful doggie at my feet. My mind is filled with all sorts of "what-if's" like "What if I wait another day to start my workbook exercises? (Gee I can't- I have to go get my son for another week and once again deal with the rest areas along the way) or What if I go outside and have a seizure because of the heat?" Or even better, What if I go into a store and get separated from my safe person and can't find them? My therapist tells me these are all normal feelings and thoughts for a person with agoraphobia with panic/anxiety disorder. But I want to get better, I want to be able to walk outside without feeling like I am going to pass out or get sick to my stomach. I want my hands to not shake or be clammy when I get separated from my safe person. It's such a vicious cycle, all the "what if's" and doubts and depression and panic attacks.
Next week we are going to the Oregon Caves for a couple days...Now THAT should be interesting. They are supposed to be guided tours but (another what if) what if I get separated from the group or they won't let me take my dog with me, even though the ADA says I can? Or what if I start to have a panic attack right there in the caves? Michael says he and the boys(his two-Sean and Dustin, and my son Patrick) will help me deal with all this, but it still scares me. Should I take my workbook so I can at least read it, or should I leave it home? I guess I better take it because I see my therapist next Friday and it would be nice to let her know I am at least trying to make progress....But what if she thinks I am not trying hard enough?????????
Posted by Rose S. on August 12, 2004 11:00 AM