August 13, 2004
Last Night
Last night we went out to dinner. It was a buffet style pizzeria, but I couldn't get my food without my safe person in front of me. When we sat down I immediately started looking for the bathroom and where the exits were. I found the bathroom and slowly walked there-hands getting clammy the whole time. When I got back to the table we talked about it. I said that I hate doing that-going to the bathroom even though I don't have to, just to find out where it is and looking for exits everywhere I go. Michael and Ric both said it was just a place that I am at in my life right now. Then I said I knew that I couldn't always have my safe person walk me to the bathroom everytime we went out some place without looking like an idiot. So it was either go alone and risk having a panic attack or feel like a complete dork- I would choose risking a panic attack any day over looking and feeling like a dork! I also told them how much I hate doing that all the time- the looking for the nearest exit and the bathroom. I can just imagine how uncomfortable it makes them feel. They said it wasn't bad for them because they can accept it as part of my illness. I wish I could accept it-Hell I wish I didn't have to go through it. I am getting so darned frustrated by all this-it seems like every time I take a step forward I end up taking 5 steps back. I wish there was a way to keep things on an even keel. But it was a kind of catharsis, you know, being able to talk openly about being agoraphobic instead of trying to hide it or make excuses for my actions.
Posted by Rose S. on August 13, 2004 05:33 AM