Main » August 2004

August 22, 2004

All Roads Lead To....Where?

I keep asking myself where I am heading with this. Am I really going to get better or am I just deluding myself-trying to make myself believe I will get better? It's Sunday morning, we got back late last night from Washington...another long trip. I took my first dose of Zoloft yesterday. I am thinking it should be a night time medication, since I slept most of the way back. Michael said at least it helped with the panic attacks I could have had being stuck in traffic on I-5. I really should look it up on the internet and see what the contraindications are with my seizure medications, but right now I am just waking up. It's weird, I always look things like that up before I start taking a new medication but I didn't do that this time. While the kids slept in the back of the van last night, Michael and I talked. I told him how I wish I could be "normal" and be able to do the things I used to be able to do. I told him every day I ask myself what I did that was so bad that all the higher beings I believe in would do something like this to me, make me have to deal with this. He said that our illnesses are not a punishment for anything, just a way of testing our strength. I suppose he's right.

Michael said that today was my day to rest and take it easy since I have been pushing myself a lot harder than I should lately. But I need to keep going, keep doing things. They need to get done and I need to do something to keep my mind off this, maybe if I do something productive I will have one day without being afraid I will have a panic attack over what other people would think was absolutely nothing.

Posted by Rose S. at 10:14 AM | Comments (2)

August 20, 2004

Therapy Appointment-Part 2

My appointment went pretty good. She said the book I got was perfect, since it deals with agoraphobia only. My therapist understood when I told her that I get nervous going to see her because I think "What if I say something and she thinks I am stupid for saying it?" I told her that I know my fears are unfounded but I still think that. She says there is an underlying cause of all this and we just need to find out what it is, so I told her how it all started as best as I could recall. My therapist wants me to see a psychiatrist at OHSU when I go for my neurology work-up. Oh well, I have to go get my meds now so I will write more soon.

Posted by Rose S. at 4:10 PM | Comments (0)

Therapy Appointment-Part 1

Well I have a therapy appointment in just a few minutes. Hopefully she will change my anti-depressant. I really have to stop feeling down about everything, it just aint healthy for me or my family. I am taking my workbook for her to see. I hope she likes my choice of the two she recommended. I was thinking-if anyone has any questions they want answered about how my meds affect me or the drug interactions with all the other meds I have to take, or how this thing affects my family feel free to ask. Hopefully I can answer in a way you all will be able to understand.

I will write more after my appointment.

Posted by Rose S. at 8:52 AM | Comments (0)

August 19, 2004

Oregon Caves and Camping

Well, we got back last night from our camping trip. I did good on the tour, but it was difficult. I had to keep reminding myself to breathe slowly. It wasn't so much the caves but the strangers. My son helped me by trying to stay at my side, and Michael was great about that too. I did not want to ruin it for the others by leaving right away, so I pushed on. After the tour, Ric bought me a milkshake as a reward for making it all the way through. I did get sick to my stomach after we got back to the campsite though. Of course I said it was because I ate too much and too fast but I know it was the after-effects of the tour. I hate feeling like that and having to rely on people always being there to help me along. I remember a time when I could be in a room full of strangers and it wouldn't bother me at all. Now my hands sweat and I get shaky all over......What a way to live...It really bites, BIG TIME!

Posted by Rose S. at 1:27 PM | Comments (3)

August 14, 2004

Stuck in Traffic

Demons.....Everybody has them and we all have to choose how we fight them. I wish I knew how to fight this one. Part of me tells me that there is hope but another part tells me to put on my running shoes and get as far away from it as possible! I want to just forget about it but I can't seem to get away from this demon called agoraphobia. I have to get ready to get my son 250 miles away and all the way there I will be battling this demon, just like I do every day....The panic, anxiety, depression and everything that goes along with it. I guess I will have to decide whether to give up or to continue battling this demon of mine, taking it one baby step at a time, hoping that one day I will recover and be normal again.

Posted by Rose S. at 10:47 AM | Comments (1)

August 13, 2004

Today-Friday

Well, it's almost 6 a.m. and I have been awake since 4. If I try to go back to sleep I will wake up with a migraine so I know better. I laid in bed for awhile watching a rerun of COPS then decided I should probably get up because laying there wasn't doing me any good. I had to crawl over Michael and the dog(yes she was asleep at the foot of the bed). Got up, grabbed a smoke-I don't drink so I guess I should have at least one legal vice-laughing- nuked the last cup of coffee so I could make a fresh pot and went to just outside the back door so I could smoke. Then I came back in and checked my e-mail. Now here I sit-being happy that I get to see Patrick again for a week but in reality dreading the ride 250 miles north to pick him up. The rest areas still scare me a little. Heather wrote to me and told me that I am an inspiration to her. I was kind of embarrassed that I am touching lives by writing about this but happy that I can some how make a difference by writing about my experiences with this thing.

Posted by Rose S. at 5:54 AM | Comments (0)

Last Night

Last night we went out to dinner. It was a buffet style pizzeria, but I couldn't get my food without my safe person in front of me. When we sat down I immediately started looking for the bathroom and where the exits were. I found the bathroom and slowly walked there-hands getting clammy the whole time. When I got back to the table we talked about it. I said that I hate doing that-going to the bathroom even though I don't have to, just to find out where it is and looking for exits everywhere I go. Michael and Ric both said it was just a place that I am at in my life right now. Then I said I knew that I couldn't always have my safe person walk me to the bathroom everytime we went out some place without looking like an idiot. So it was either go alone and risk having a panic attack or feel like a complete dork- I would choose risking a panic attack any day over looking and feeling like a dork! I also told them how much I hate doing that all the time- the looking for the nearest exit and the bathroom. I can just imagine how uncomfortable it makes them feel. They said it wasn't bad for them because they can accept it as part of my illness. I wish I could accept it-Hell I wish I didn't have to go through it. I am getting so darned frustrated by all this-it seems like every time I take a step forward I end up taking 5 steps back. I wish there was a way to keep things on an even keel. But it was a kind of catharsis, you know, being able to talk openly about being agoraphobic instead of trying to hide it or make excuses for my actions.

Posted by Rose S. at 5:33 AM | Comments (0)

August 12, 2004

My Family and What is a "Safe Person"

First off I want everyone to know what a safe person is. A "safe person" is someone that the agoraphobic feels safe going places with or just being left alone with. It can be a friend or family member. In my case I have 6 safe people, my fiance Michael, our 3 teenagers, the friend of one of the boys(a young lady named Meagan) and Michael's brother Ric who we live with in Portland.

Now to let y'all know a bit about Michael and the boys. Michael is my fiance and life partner. We have been together for over two years now, since just before I was diagnosed with both RA of the spine and agoraphobia with panic/anxiety disorders. He does all he can to help me while battling his own chronic illness(he has fibromyalgia). We would get married but it would mean that my Social Security would get cut in half so we are happy being significant others and sharing our lives with each other and our three sons.

The boys are so very different in personality. Sean is the oldest. He is 17 and a self-professed "ladies man." He is a natural born leader and can be very empathetic when it suits him. Patrick is 16 and a leader also but he follows his own path. Where Sean is teenage "boy", Patrick is a young man. He has goals and dreams and knows what he wants out of life and how to go about getting it. Pat is head strong and very protective of me. Dustin is the youngest at 15. Dustin tends to be a follower(most of the time it's Patrick's example he follows-grinning) He is by far the most emotional of the 3. He can tell when something is wrong and tries to fix it as best he can. Dustin, like his dad suffers from fibromyalgia. All three boys have a habit of watching over me and not minding if Mom wants to hang out with them at the mall because they all acknowledge and accept my agoraphobia. Sean and Dustin started calling me Mom the first time I met them and it was fine by me. The boys don't consider themselves "step brothers" but "blood brothers" even making it official one time by poking their thumbs with a needle and putting a drop of blood on their palms and shaking hands! Anyway, these are the four most important people in my life so that when I mention them y'all can know who I am speaking of.

Posted by Rose S. at 12:01 PM | Comments (1)

About My Dog

Judy asked that I tell more about my seizure alert dog/comfort animal. I posted this in my epilepsy diary but here goes. I mentioned before that I have a black lab/border collie mix that is my seizure alert dog. Her name is Little Girl and I have had her for about 14 years. She was abused when we initially got her and was pretty much afraid of everything and everybody, except for my son. Eventually though, she bonded with me too. Here is a bit about alert dogs. They cannot be trained to alert and they have to bond with the handler as the person they are alerting for is called. The best dogs for this task are border collies, Labrador retrievers, and other non-hyper dogs. They are classed by the Americans With Disabilities Act as service animals and must be allowed any where any other service animal is allowed to go. Once I was given a hard time about taking her into a park where dogs were not allowed, by a ranger, until I showed him a copy of the ADA stating that she was allowed to be with me and also a letter from my doctor and a prescription written by him showing that I am required to have her with me at all times. That is another thing about having Epilepsy, people tend to think there is nothing wrong with me and I get told time and time again"But you look so normal". Oh well just another detail to cope with. Back to Little Girl. She didn't start alerting right away. It wasn't till about 5 years ago that she started to alert. She will run in circles and make a kind of yapping noise, running to a person and back to me until she finds someone to follow her. If there is no one home, I will regain consciousness with her at my side and she will not leave me until I am up and moving. Then she will make sure I am laying down and resting. Little Girl lays at my side or at my feet just to be sure I am ok. When someone gets home, she runs to them and tugs at their pant leg, bringing them to where I am at. I am pretty lucky to have a dog like her. Every person with Epilepsy should have a seizure alert dog.

Little Girl is also my comfort animal. I take her with me when I go long distances like camping and such. She doesn't let strangers get close to me unless I tell her it's ok and I feel safe being left alone with just her in the house. It kind of takes the pressure off my human safe people. Little Girl is treated like one of the family. She even gets her serving of "people food" at dinner time!

Posted by Rose S. at 11:39 AM | Comments (0)

Trying My Best To Overcome This

It's another day and I am just starting out. Have my handy cup of coffee by my side and my faithful doggie at my feet. My mind is filled with all sorts of "what-if's" like "What if I wait another day to start my workbook exercises? (Gee I can't- I have to go get my son for another week and once again deal with the rest areas along the way) or What if I go outside and have a seizure because of the heat?" Or even better, What if I go into a store and get separated from my safe person and can't find them? My therapist tells me these are all normal feelings and thoughts for a person with agoraphobia with panic/anxiety disorder. But I want to get better, I want to be able to walk outside without feeling like I am going to pass out or get sick to my stomach. I want my hands to not shake or be clammy when I get separated from my safe person. It's such a vicious cycle, all the "what if's" and doubts and depression and panic attacks.

Next week we are going to the Oregon Caves for a couple days...Now THAT should be interesting. They are supposed to be guided tours but (another what if) what if I get separated from the group or they won't let me take my dog with me, even though the ADA says I can? Or what if I start to have a panic attack right there in the caves? Michael says he and the boys(his two-Sean and Dustin, and my son Patrick) will help me deal with all this, but it still scares me. Should I take my workbook so I can at least read it, or should I leave it home? I guess I better take it because I see my therapist next Friday and it would be nice to let her know I am at least trying to make progress....But what if she thinks I am not trying hard enough?????????

Posted by Rose S. at 11:00 AM | Comments (0)

August 11, 2004

Self-esteem, Self-worth and Depression

Ok, here goes...The good old self-esteem and self-worth issues came up. I hate feeling like I am not pretty enough or skinny enough or good enough to be with a man like Michael. I swear he has to have the patience of a saint to put up with me sometimes. Like last night for instance. I checked his e-mail and saw what I imagined to be love letters from him to another woman, but were in reality just his way of writing letters. Now I knew this but due to a bout of depression and my self-esteem being in the toilet and a HUGE lack of self-worth I made a bigger deal out of it than should have been made. Talk about issues....Man did I ever have them!!!

Depression is hard on a relationship. Sometimes it is so hard that the relationship fails. And with self-esteem and self-worth issues right along side of it, well it makes the stress and anxiety levels shoot straight to the stars. I hate me when I am like that.....Oh well just another discussion for my therapist next week...May be she can change the anti-depressant I am on to something that won't 1-interact with my AED's and the pain meds I take for RA and 2- make me so squirrelly I can't function. Here's hoping......

Posted by Rose S. at 4:28 PM | Comments (0)

August 8, 2004

Sunday again

I am a lot luckier than a lot of people with agoraphobia. I have a support network consisting of my son, my fiance, his sons and his older brother. They are all there for me when I need them.  I also belong to an online support group on Yahoo for people with agoraphobia. That helps alot as well.

Posted by Rose S. at 10:43 AM | Comments (4)