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July 25, 2004

Today

Today we have to take my son up to Washington to get some more clothes. He is spending another week with me. It doesn't get too bad until we stop at rest areas. Then I have to pull myself together and run into the bathroom. When I come out, my eyes dart around, looking for my fiance or my son. If I don't see them right away, I start to panic, then I make a beeline for the van......I wish I was normal and didn't have to rely on everyone like this.

Posted by Rose S. at 9:53 AM | Comments (0)

Why Me?

I ask myself this simple question all the time...why me? I can remember a time before when I could go places on my own, when I didn't NEED to have somebody with me just to go shopping or on the bus to the park. I hate this. I hate feeling like I am living in a bubble. My therapist says it will eventually get better, that one day I will be able to walk more than 100 yards outside my house without feeling like I am going to have a panic attack. I want to be able to go "mall-crawling" with my sixteen year old son and tell him I will meet him in an hour at the food court. I want to go Christmas shopping without having the person I am shopping for at my side all the time. I want to feel human again, not like a caged animal or dog that can't be let off it's leash.

You see, for me that is what agoraphobia feels like. I was house bound for 3 years when I went for a ride on the bus and had to get right back on because I was starting to panic. I was finally diagnosed 2 years ago with agoraphobia with panic disorder. I can finally go out of the house but not without a "safe person" or my seizure alert/comfort dog with me. If I try I am afraid I will have a panic attack and then I start having all the signs of one coming on. I am determined to get better. I have to get better so I can do simple things again with my family and not feel like such an outsider. And so that I can stop asking "Why Me?"

Posted by Rose S. at 8:59 AM | Comments (2)