September 2, 2004

I hate hospitals. Michael was taken to the ER the other night. He had elevated med levels and has been in since Tuesday. I keep thinking what if something goes wrong with him, what am I gonna do? Had to walk up to the smoke shop today and ask one of the kids to walk with me. The smoke shop is across the street but I had to go all the way up to the corner so that I didn't have to cross in the middle of the street. I am kinda paranoid about that. I always ask myself what if a car comes racing into the sucide lane ad hits me. But I hate not being able to walk down the street alone. I can't wait for Michael to come home.

It has been one busy week. I almost have had panic attacks but the Zoloft seems to be helping me with it. Still, I do have insomnia and find it hard to get to sleep without Michael here.

Posted by Rose S. at 4:47 PM | Comments (2)

August 22, 2004

I keep asking myself where I am heading with this. Am I really going to get better or am I just deluding myself-trying to make myself believe I will get better? It's Sunday morning, we got back late last night from Washington...another long trip. I took my first dose of Zoloft yesterday. I am thinking it should be a night time medication, since I slept most of the way back. Michael said at least it helped with the panic attacks I could have had being stuck in traffic on I-5. I really should look it up on the internet and see what the contraindications are with my seizure medications, but right now I am just waking up. It's weird, I always look things like that up before I start taking a new medication but I didn't do that this time. While the kids slept in the back of the van last night, Michael and I talked. I told him how I wish I could be "normal" and be able to do the things I used to be able to do. I told him every day I ask myself what I did that was so bad that all the higher beings I believe in would do something like this to me, make me have to deal with this. He said that our illnesses are not a punishment for anything, just a way of testing our strength. I suppose he's right.

Michael said that today was my day to rest and take it easy since I have been pushing myself a lot harder than I should lately. But I need to keep going, keep doing things. They need to get done and I need to do something to keep my mind off this, maybe if I do something productive I will have one day without being afraid I will have a panic attack over what other people would think was absolutely nothing.

Posted by Rose S. at 10:14 AM | Comments (2)

August 20, 2004

My appointment went pretty good. She said the book I got was perfect, since it deals with agoraphobia only. My therapist understood when I told her that I get nervous going to see her because I think "What if I say something and she thinks I am stupid for saying it?" I told her that I know my fears are unfounded but I still think that. She says there is an underlying cause of all this and we just need to find out what it is, so I told her how it all started as best as I could recall. My therapist wants me to see a psychiatrist at OHSU when I go for my neurology work-up. Oh well, I have to go get my meds now so I will write more soon.

Posted by Rose S. at 4:10 PM | Comments (0)

Well I have a therapy appointment in just a few minutes. Hopefully she will change my anti-depressant. I really have to stop feeling down about everything, it just aint healthy for me or my family. I am taking my workbook for her to see. I hope she likes my choice of the two she recommended. I was thinking-if anyone has any questions they want answered about how my meds affect me or the drug interactions with all the other meds I have to take, or how this thing affects my family feel free to ask. Hopefully I can answer in a way you all will be able to understand.

I will write more after my appointment.

Posted by Rose S. at 8:52 AM | Comments (0)

August 19, 2004

Well, we got back last night from our camping trip. I did good on the tour, but it was difficult. I had to keep reminding myself to breathe slowly. It wasn't so much the caves but the strangers. My son helped me by trying to stay at my side, and Michael was great about that too. I did not want to ruin it for the others by leaving right away, so I pushed on. After the tour, Ric bought me a milkshake as a reward for making it all the way through. I did get sick to my stomach after we got back to the campsite though. Of course I said it was because I ate too much and too fast but I know it was the after-effects of the tour. I hate feeling like that and having to rely on people always being there to help me along. I remember a time when I could be in a room full of strangers and it wouldn't bother me at all. Now my hands sweat and I get shaky all over......What a way to live...It really bites, BIG TIME!

Posted by Rose S. at 1:27 PM | Comments (3)