Main » May 2005

May 25, 2005

Going to florida no matter what!

Late last week my mother in law offered to pay for us to be able to come to florida for Memorial day weekend-this is also the 2nd anniversary of my father-in-laws passing. We are so excited and anxious to go even though it will only be for a weekend and we are driving it is about a 16 hour drive, my husband was afraid my health could not take it. But I told him I have been feeling fine for the most part and I WANT to go so bad.

This morning I woke up with joint pain and stiffness all over and a temp of 100.6. Now bear in mind for a normal person, that is not too high, most people with lupus however normal body temp is 97.7 so that is pretty high for me. I have not even let my husband touch me tonite because he will know I have a fever and then he will want to call the whole thing off!

My mother-in-law is not wanting to spend this anniversary alone and I am not going to let her no matter what! I am so aggravated at my body though right now and I know that is not realistic but sometimes living with a chronic illness your emotions are not realistic. I was hoping to get to feel great and show his mom how good I am doing and now I am scared. I have spent so much time tonite worrying about the fever. I have a dr appointment in the morning so I am going to ask for a dose of steroids to at least make me able to make the trip.

I know I have said before that I will never take them again but another lesson of lupus-never say never. Today at work my boss asked if I was ok because she said I am starting to not look so good again. I told her I was fine just up too late. I feel like such a fake! I am not fine but if I tell the truth I will not be able to go to florida and my employer will start treating me like I am disabled again after I am finally getting some respect back.

I HATE LUPUS, I HATE WHAT IT HAS DONE TO MY LIFE, MY FAMILY and all of the things my life used to be.

I am Buddhist and I can not figure out what life lesson I am supposed to learn from this. My dhamma instructor says patience and I say I have been and she said no you are supposed to learn patience. LOL Ok I have never been good at that so maybe she is right. But it is so hard and it is not fair. I am trying to get better and it seems the more I try the harder it gets.

Then a very well meaning friend starts telling me a gluten free diet will cure me, I have read this theory but I do not put alot of stock into it, but maybe I will try it and at least see if it helps. It can not hurt I guess.

Anyway I will not be updating until probaly Tuesday night after we return, everyone have a safe and healthy Memorial day weekend.

Keep smiling and namaste :)

Posted by Lisa at 06:53 PM | Comments (1)

May 21, 2005

Saturday and all is almost well

Hi all! Hope everyone is doing well.

I am going to get licensed to sell life insurance, I really need a career change and I think this could be the one.
Now if I could just get my husband to move me back to florida I think I would be on the road to recovery. I want to go back so bad. I am tired of living in this red neck ignorant area. The people around here literally are what is making me sick I think.

My coworker/friend/ex friend and I are DONE! She was definitely instrumental in me getting sicker as I could not deal with the stress of being in a toxic relationship with her. It has been so hard for me to not have her in my life since we have been friends for so long (32 years) but I had to finally realize that she is not my friend I have been her friend but it has not been the same. She is so angry at work because I have been slowly getting my job back and she acts like the fact that I have so much seniority on her and the fact that I got her the job are irrelevant. She just thinks only about herself and that is all she has ever done. But anyway, I know for sure I will be emotionally much healthier without her in my life so that is the most important thing to me right now.

I have also decided that I am going to quit smoking. I am so scared, because of the weight gain and the stress ( I do not want to set my self up for another flare) but at the same time, I know quitting will benefit me in the long run.

We just celebrated my fathers 60th birthday on wednesday. I can not believe my parents are getting so old, I remember being a child and thinking I would never grow up and get out of their house with all their rules and hypocrisy but now that I watch them get older I can not believe these are the same people who made my childhood a living nightmare. My mother is on oxygen and my father has to have veins removed from his leg next month. They are both sickly and slowly suffering. As my parents I do not want to watch this happen, as their victim for many years I am realizing the truth behind kamma or karma as some call it.

I have been doing an online course regarding the noble eightfold path (Buddhism) and it is helping me so much on my own personal path to enlightenment. I need to be more involved in the dhamma center in my area, that in itself will help me take the focus off of me and how I feel and place it where it should be-helping others.

Sometimes we get so caught up in our own problems that they tend to become larger than what they were if we had not let them take over so much of our lives. I am so guilty of this on numerous occasions, now I am trying harder to focus on what is important and on what is permanent and what is impermanent.

Have a wonderful day everyone and NAMASTE.
(Namaste is the pali word for I honor the light in which you shine) I think it is a beautiful way to say goodbye to someone.

Posted by Lisa at 12:37 PM | Comments (0)

May 16, 2005

Long time gone :)

Hi all! Have not updated in awhile, to tell the truth since being back at work and caught up in all the hostilities it has been very hard on me, physically and emotionally. I pushed to go back and I was ready to go back, I guess the office politics was something I had not anticipated. I was happy to go back and everyone seemed happy about it but now they are more concerned with pushing their own agendas.

I did get an interesting job offer and I think I am going to go for it. It is selling life insurance as well as other policies designed to make life easier in the event of a crisis. And with as many health crisises as I have endured the past year and a half now, I know how very important it is to be financially prepared. Of course we weren't and we are still trying to recover from it and ope to before I have another bad flare.

There have just been so many things going on and there is just too much stress for one person to handle sometimes.

That is about it for me tonite-I am tired and I just want to lay down and take a break.

Keep smiling :)

Posted by Lisa at 04:26 PM | Comments (1)

May 04, 2005

I survived the interview!!

I think I did really well during my interview with BCBS. They seemed to like me and vice versa. They told me I would hear something within a week or two. That was yesterday. Today at work, my supervisor told me as of Monday I will be moving back upstairs with most of my old responsiblities back-now my co-worker who swore she was not trying to steal my job-who swore she was just trying to help out is pissed off about it. She even went so far as to go talk to the owner (my father) about it! And I think she told him about my interview! This is somone who was my friend for thirty years and now I can not stand her!!
Anyway-it is late and I am going to lay down-one of the things I have learned living with lupus is in order to have something resembling normalcy in my life I have to rest more than the average person. If I stay up until even 11 at night it is almost impossible for me to get out of bed in the mornings.

I will do a longer better update tommorow.
Keep smiling :)

Posted by Lisa at 06:39 PM | Comments (0)

May 03, 2005

Today is the day

Today at 2 is my interview with BCBS. I hope I get it. I ended up in a major arguement yesterday with my supervisor and a co-worker, who said they are not taking away responsibilities I had before they are trying to reduce the stress on me so as not to cause me to flare.

I said the right thing to do would have been talk to me and see what I thought I could handle first instead of treating my like I was incapable of anything. I explained that this has caused alot of hard felings on my part to the point that I am searching for other employment. Mt boss was very surprised. She said she had been trying to help me not hurt me. I told her she had helped me-helped me right out of the respect I had prior to leaving, helped me feel incompetent, helped me look incapable-I told her she had indeed helped me in alot of ways. That was not the type of help she meant but that is the type she has caused. I advised them yesterday that I will problay be turning in my notice sometime soon and she said they would not accept it. I told her they can not refuse it. This job I am interviewing for today is so much better with room for advancement and with no one knowing I have lupus. I will be treated just like everyone else and hopefully I can keep the flares at bay.

I know my life has to change and it has changed alot, but I also have to have something to hold onto to give me faith that it may not always be this bad. I do not know if that makes sense to anyone or not.

Anyhow-WISH ME LUCK today and I will update this evening if for no other reason than to say how the interview went.

Posted by Lisa at 04:13 AM | Comments (9)

May 01, 2005

Sunday evening coming down

Today is sunday. My husband went to take Sean back to Fairmont and I am studying for scool. This past week has been so hectic that I can not seem to get any time to study at all, so I have been trying to all dy today, but when you have brain fog-that is too hard trying to cram everything into one day.

Tuesday is the day for my job interview so I am really excited about that. Nervous but excited.

My son had a soccer game yesterday and his team lost but they did good so who could get too upset?
Except the coach-boy he has a big mouth-I wish I could yell that loud-LOL

It has been rainy and damp here for several days so I have been in pain and miserable to boot. I am just waiting for the weather to break and I hope against hope it is warm and not damp on the day of my interview.

Not alot to say about this weekend-it went too quick and my husband and I have gotten along fantastic so that is exciting for me.
He volunteered to take my sons friend home and to go to the grocery store and to make the trip to fairmont so I could stay home and catch up on my studying so that was really sweet and I appreciate it so much.

If I do not update later it will probaly be Tuesday after my interview efore I do.

Everyone please keep your fingers crossed for me-I WANT this job so badly.
Keep smiling :)

Posted by Lisa at 12:31 PM | Comments (0)