January 6, 2005

36 going on 80?

I have lived my entire life in the fast lane. I am always first in line at the express counter. This has been a HUGE slow down for me. More often than not now I require the use of a cane to help me get around. I feel like people in stores and such look at me and wonder why someone my age would be using a cane. The few who do ask always ask if I have been in some kind of accident because it is not normal to see a thirty something walking with the aid of a cane.

The other thing that bothers me about the cane is my children. They are teen agers so it is already embarassing to admit you have a mom but especially to have a mom who is getting around on a cane?! I know they also feel that this is unfair to them. Last night my son asked if I would take him to Wal-Mart-mind you the night before he had asked if I would take him last night and I told him I did not see any reason why not. Then last night came and it was raining and I was hurting so bad that I could not do it. He is fifteen and was upset because I had told him prior that I would take him then the time comes to take him and I could not do it. I am hoping if I am still feeling so crummy tonite that I can get my husband to take him but he is not not adapting well to me asking him to do things for me anyway so I do not know if he will take him or not.

The kids did not ask for this diagnosis and neither did my husband but I think they forget sometimes that neither did I. It has affected my entire family but I am the one most affected and it is hard for me to be there for them and try to help them adjust when I am going through so many adjustments myself. My body does not work the way it used to and neither does my mind. It is a major conflict inside my own head when I tell yself I can do something and then I can not do it. I feel so betrayed by my own body!

It has been hard for the kids, the husband and myself but at least the kids do try to help me deal with it and they try to make life easier for me. It seems like they are now being forced in some ways to grow up quicker than I had ever wanted them to. I have heard it said that adversity breeds character and while I am certain that is true I also wanted my kids to be able to say they had a normal upbringing instead of saying they had to help take care of their mother-that is not fair. I do still do the majority of things so it is not as bad as some kids have had it but still not as good as I would have liked for them.

Posted by Lisa on January 6, 2005 3:06 AM