November 26, 2004

only if you're me

I am doing terribly good. And terribly bad at the same time. Maybe writing here would help, I don't know. I am really inconsistent, aren't I?

I am doing terribly good because I am in the right place in college and actually doing good! Maybe I could do this. I passed my first block! The thing is: unlike many other students I actually work. I do something, I see it as kind of my responsibility to give at least my best shot. That doesn't mean I am dull and nerdy... I am in a sorority, you know. Sort of, at least I am the president of a not-yet-existing sorority. I'm doing good because I've figured out why I binge (I can't handle being alone, I get stressed, whatever, I don't excercise enough) and I've figured out a cure for my bingeing: balloons with flour in them. To keep my neurotic hands busy. The best solutions are often the simplest solutions. And it is kind of silly how the only reason for this whole misery is me not knowing what to do with myself. I'm fine as long as there are people around me, but the problem is: I live alone.

I am wasting my time taking career tests which are telling me I should go into the medical field and personalitly tests telling me I am a shark. I am doing terrible at the same time. My eating habits are horrifying, i am living the nightmare of being fat. I've never been this fat and it's no joke. I've started purging again, but not because I think it'll prevent me frome getting fat. I'm fat already. I purge when I have the time, won't get caught and feel sick from eating too much. Seems like the obvious solution if you feel sick but it's stupid. Right now I feel like my body is going to explode or twist into strange shapes. I'll start losing weight on the 1st of December, and I know I'm being ridicoulous but I need to fit my clothes again. And I need to get back into some heatlhy way of life. I miss my almost-perfect body. I've cut myself and wondered if the test I took on then internet had some point in 'diagnosing' me with borderline. I just don't feel good and I have nowhere to run. While others can go home to Mommy and Daddy I can't. At least, I can but that brings so much stress and hurt everytime. I wonder why I keep going but I feel like i have to. I wish someone could just help me, cure me or take me for who I am.

Posted by Eldalote on November 26, 2004 07:19 AM