August 01, 2004

hmmm what was I talking about??

Well I blew off my detox. I got caught in the caffeine thing, or maybe just in the fact that I was not allowed to eat certain things. I went to the 'mall' (it's not really a mall like in a mall-mall, more like a shopping centre) with a friend, got thirsty and really wanted a Coke Light. No. I got home, thirsty again, wanted a Coke Light again. No. Well, to make a long story short, I ended up eating more than usual and then I figured: this is not working, I'm gonna eat tons of - anything healthy - food and that's not gonna do me any good. So I blew it off, had my Coke Light and did that taste GOOD!! I don't see this as a total failure. OK I failed in my plan, even though I had only good intentions with it. But I learned from it: the only way I'm gonna control my body weight and what I eat is by not controlling it. Now that's scary. But I think it's the whole base of bulimia in a way: you try to control yourself, you're very strict with yourself (I have gone up to 3 days on nothing more than 2 bites of chicken and a spoonful veggies) and the bingeing starts because you are rebelling against yourself. So I suppose I won't get fat (oh terror) if I just eat what I need and listen to my body (now there's something that was hard to learn) but still I am scared I will.

Oh yeah, about the shopping. I've lost my buy-shyness! I used to be too scared to gain weight and so determined to lose weight that I haven't been able to buy clothes. Not to mention that everything made me look fat. I could try on tons of clothes, not even with the intention of buying any of it. Just to see how it looked. I'm trying to see something positive about it here: at least now I've gotten a touch for wearing things together and creating new outfits. So when I finally bought a jean (cheap and - as it turned out - too big), I was really proud of myself. I really needed clothes. I still need a jean. In South Africa I went shopping for clothes (cheaper there) and the first shopping spree left me in tears. Nothing was right and all the different numbers on the labels didn't make my ass any smaller. Not to mention that the average South African woman is shorter than me. So I probably tried on at least 20 pairs of jeans before I found one I was willing to wear and which was not too short.

Posted by Eldalote on August 1, 2004 06:03 PM