August 07, 2004

Having a little trouble here...

Remember what I said about that little voice? I believe that once it lives in your subconscious, it won't leave. If you're lucky, you can keep it there and it won't bother you. If you're having tough luck this is what happens: it won't let you eat.

This is really scaring me. If I fall back, I doubt I will fall back into bulimia as such. It's just, I've recovered from that and I can deal with that now. If I get sick again, it will take months, maybe years before I get too sick to function. By that time I will be really into my medicine study... If I get sick I will have to quit. I will get lonely (I am just building up a new circle of friends, different friends..) and maybe just as terrifying: I will (maybe) get hospitalized.... In the AZM, where my faculty is. Nice prospect... Your colleague students doing their psych rotation on you... Even if I don't get hospitalized, I'll still have to go to therapy in that hospital, because that's where the ED centre is .But I ate half my dinner last night (that's half a tortilla) and some fruit. This morning I ate a few bites of muesli and yoghurt. Actually yoghurt and muesli. At least I tried. After that I got grossed out by the food. I weighed myself, compulsively. I lost about 1.5 pound since yesterday. I wish I were in Maastricht now. Then I could deal with this, without worrying about worrying my parents. (Yes, there is food in my waste bin.) Actually more important right now: there is no scale. That thing is really annoying me. I am not trying to lose weight. But that thing in my head won't just let me eat. And if I do it keeps yelling fat bitch fat cow! ! I am not fat! The harder I fight the harder it fights. But hey what do you expect? Right now I'm worrying about why it's like that and what about lunch? Not things I really wanna worry about.

Posted by Eldalote on August 7, 2004 01:33 AM