Main » August 2004

August 16, 2004

believe in me...

Why doesn't anyone believe in me? The people who I need support from the most don't seem to believe that I could actually turn out to be OK. The only people who actually told me they believed that I would be OK were my therapist and a teacher in highschool. (He told me I was gonna make it!) But the people who I need most to believe in me seem to believe that I'm gonna screw up and end in the psych ward of the very hospital where I study.

By the way: Kathy, if you read this: Thanks!!

I've been managing fine with the food stuff and it's actually getting easier and easier. I just keep reminding myself that it's just food and I need it to live. For some reason I have lost some weight over the last two weeks. But, after giving it some (way too much) thought and trying to eat more than I actually wanted I decided 'whatever'. I'm not gonna stuff myself not to lose weight because it'll only make me feel crappy. I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full and after months of eating normally I guess my body's used to that. If I gain some weight: whatever. If I lose: whatever. It won't change me, will it? And I don't really think I'll ever become really fat.

Posted by Eldalote at 01:37 PM | Comments (1)

August 11, 2004

totally neurotic

Well, I might say that Miss Voice is gone. Sort of.

But the thing is, right now, I am packing and painting to take my stuff over to Maastricht tomorrow and I really want some comfort or something familiar right now. Somehow my mind sees that as an open invitation to go back to ED behaviors. I refuse. It's not worth it. I'm gonna go there and I'm not gonna get all eating disordered again and it's gonna rock and of course I'm feeling insecure... After all, I'm only 18 and moving to the other side of the country all by myself. Now, what kind of a nutcase does that?

Further I am acting pretty much neurotic, always twitching and so on. Am I neurotic? Never knew that.
This house is one big trigger.....

Posted by Eldalote at 08:28 AM | Comments (1)

August 07, 2004

Having a little trouble here...

Remember what I said about that little voice? I believe that once it lives in your subconscious, it won't leave. If you're lucky, you can keep it there and it won't bother you. If you're having tough luck this is what happens: it won't let you eat.

This is really scaring me. If I fall back, I doubt I will fall back into bulimia as such. It's just, I've recovered from that and I can deal with that now. If I get sick again, it will take months, maybe years before I get too sick to function. By that time I will be really into my medicine study... If I get sick I will have to quit. I will get lonely (I am just building up a new circle of friends, different friends..) and maybe just as terrifying: I will (maybe) get hospitalized.... In the AZM, where my faculty is. Nice prospect... Your colleague students doing their psych rotation on you... Even if I don't get hospitalized, I'll still have to go to therapy in that hospital, because that's where the ED centre is .But I ate half my dinner last night (that's half a tortilla) and some fruit. This morning I ate a few bites of muesli and yoghurt. Actually yoghurt and muesli. At least I tried. After that I got grossed out by the food. I weighed myself, compulsively. I lost about 1.5 pound since yesterday. I wish I were in Maastricht now. Then I could deal with this, without worrying about worrying my parents. (Yes, there is food in my waste bin.) Actually more important right now: there is no scale. That thing is really annoying me. I am not trying to lose weight. But that thing in my head won't just let me eat. And if I do it keeps yelling fat bitch fat cow! ! I am not fat! The harder I fight the harder it fights. But hey what do you expect? Right now I'm worrying about why it's like that and what about lunch? Not things I really wanna worry about.

Posted by Eldalote at 01:33 AM

August 05, 2004

Drinking Coke on my very own couch

Yesterday I went to collect my keys. I had been on my feet all day by then so I was dead tired. By the way: Maastricht is a lovely place to go shopping. So when I got into my room (after struggling with the apartment door for a couple of minutes...) I sat down on the couch (the only piece of furniture) and drank my Coke. Enjoying the fact that this was MY couch in MY room in the apartment I'm sharing. Theoretically I live there now. I'm registered at that adress but I eat, sleep and pee in my parent's house.

For some reason that 'voice' or feeling that belongs to eating disorders (all of them) is still with me sometimes. I suppose it's a ghost from the past that comes to haunt me from time to time. Yesterday for some reason it was there: that oh-so familiar state of mind: I need to get thin I am so fat blablabla. It was so strong I felt like it was everywhere. I felt kind of desperate. I tried and so on, you know, talking to yourself, arguing. In the end I just had to wait 'til I got some reason back. I mean is being thinner actually gonna change in my life? It won't give me instant succes or love or attention. It won't make me a better person. Right now I am sitting here, getting hungry and thinking: 'let's not eat'. I don't know if anyone understands what this feels like. It's not something I can control and I don't really want it bugging me. And I don't know what triggered it. I probably will eat at least something for lunch. After all, it's important. I don't wanna go back to where I came from, it's not a lovely place. Maybe if I just don't listen to it it will go away? I don't want it there I really don't. Does anybody understand? I don't know what to do.

Just go away please! I am not Eldalote the eating disordered anymore, I am Eldalote the energetic enthusiastic confident person and also I am thrilled to be a med student. Please I don't want the crap to take control again!

Posted by Eldalote at 02:34 AM

August 03, 2004

I am so tired

I am so tired and sore!!! I am not used to going everywhere on my bike and I don't have money for bus tickets. Seriously, I've already spent 1.5 hour on my bike this morning and I still have to go to therapy (which will only take me 45 min. to get there...)! It's my last therapy appointment. I've decided to quit. I am really fine now and to tell the truth I am running out of things to say. I mean: I am getting very bored with the, uh, home affairs discussion myself.

Posted by Eldalote at 04:43 AM

August 01, 2004

hmmm what was I talking about??

Well I blew off my detox. I got caught in the caffeine thing, or maybe just in the fact that I was not allowed to eat certain things. I went to the 'mall' (it's not really a mall like in a mall-mall, more like a shopping centre) with a friend, got thirsty and really wanted a Coke Light. No. I got home, thirsty again, wanted a Coke Light again. No. Well, to make a long story short, I ended up eating more than usual and then I figured: this is not working, I'm gonna eat tons of - anything healthy - food and that's not gonna do me any good. So I blew it off, had my Coke Light and did that taste GOOD!! I don't see this as a total failure. OK I failed in my plan, even though I had only good intentions with it. But I learned from it: the only way I'm gonna control my body weight and what I eat is by not controlling it. Now that's scary. But I think it's the whole base of bulimia in a way: you try to control yourself, you're very strict with yourself (I have gone up to 3 days on nothing more than 2 bites of chicken and a spoonful veggies) and the bingeing starts because you are rebelling against yourself. So I suppose I won't get fat (oh terror) if I just eat what I need and listen to my body (now there's something that was hard to learn) but still I am scared I will.

Oh yeah, about the shopping. I've lost my buy-shyness! I used to be too scared to gain weight and so determined to lose weight that I haven't been able to buy clothes. Not to mention that everything made me look fat. I could try on tons of clothes, not even with the intention of buying any of it. Just to see how it looked. I'm trying to see something positive about it here: at least now I've gotten a touch for wearing things together and creating new outfits. So when I finally bought a jean (cheap and - as it turned out - too big), I was really proud of myself. I really needed clothes. I still need a jean. In South Africa I went shopping for clothes (cheaper there) and the first shopping spree left me in tears. Nothing was right and all the different numbers on the labels didn't make my ass any smaller. Not to mention that the average South African woman is shorter than me. So I probably tried on at least 20 pairs of jeans before I found one I was willing to wear and which was not too short.

Posted by Eldalote at 06:03 PM