Main » July 2004

July 30, 2004

Back!!!

I am back from a lovely trip to South Africa. After all it's still home, if you know what I mean. It's something in the constant level of chaos, the dry air, family, speaking Afrikaans, people of all different colours around you, dry grass, driving on the left, and people actually being nice. I am not going to write a report on my holiday here, let's just say it had to do with touching a crocodile, the ocean, Johannesburg and the lovely town of Bela-Bela, and breaking the clutch of my grandma's car. Naturally, I don't have a driver's license. Instead I am going to write about food etc. here, that's why I'm here after all. Oh yeah before I forget: I got into med school.

This vacation has been a test for me. And I passed. Imagine being bulimic, recovered or not, and being fed 'bad' foods all day. Nothing but 'bad' foods. Seriously, at some stage all I could choose from to eat between meals were cookies and 'beskuit' and sweets. Or if I really wanted to I guess I could have eaten papaya. A whole papaya just for me, whoopee. I didn't really wanna eat a whole papaya. Meals would be 'braai' or white bread or something else in the not-so slimming category. We went out for dinner more often than I can remember. Not to mention the wide range of healthy beverages: soda, not diet (full of chemical shit) and full cream milk. I was really panicking about my weight, spent quite an amount of time staring into the mirror and feeling my belly and bones. And that food did not make me feel so great either. That's the reason I've decided to do some detox once I got back: 10 days no caffeine, sweets, cookies, 'toxic' foods in my books. Basically it means eating really heatlhy stuff: muesli, brown bread, salads, milk, rooibos-,chamomile and green tea, rice, etc (my balanced meals) and lots of fruit. The tough part will be no caffeine but whatever. Don't worry. I am not trying to lose weight or using it as a coping mechanism for anything. I take pride in eating right. Now.

The weirdest thing is: I've been eating way over 2000 calories a day and I have lost almost 3kg. I don't get it, I really don't. Which is why I'm not trying to lose weight. Actually I'm afraid I will lose weight but I don't wanna because people may get worried again and I don't want them to be. I am fine. Though, I would still like to be thinner. I always will. Hmmm but then my pants won't fit and my D cup will be out of proportion...
Actually that D-cup of mine is a whole different story. Over the past couple of months I grew another inch or so, after being stuck at the same height for (what a 'coincidence') 3.5 years. My boobs had to follow, of course and I am not very happy about that. I do not want this. Really. Tops won't fit, bra's won't fit and shortly I hate my boobs. It reminds me of the mommy-type girls, and I never even want kids. What's worse: nobody else in my family has a body that even resembles mine. So they're just maybe a little jealous of my boobs.

I think I'll write more tomorrow or so....

Posted by Eldalote at 01:28 AM

July 02, 2004

Now boarding at gate nr 6

We'll be leaving tonight!! And i've got soooo much to do I'd better get started.

I seriously need to revise my eating. It's bad enough to make me feel like crap, bad enough to make me bloated and constipated (took one laxie, one too many. Can't really take those things anymore) bad enough to make me get annoyed by me but good enough to be normal. Right now I'm sitting here, wanting sweets, the soft chewy kind. Bad idea, it'll only make things worse. Besides, my dad is making us a delicious (well...we'll see about that...) lunch and I need room for that. I wanna go back to 'good' eating. Like I was doing a little while ago. It made me feel good. So you learn... I don't like eating too much crap.

The thing is: living here is pretty stressful. My mom...I don't wanna talk bad about her here but I'll just say that she's hurt me so many times, and in a way I'm worried about her and at the same time hoping something is wrong because that would mean it's not my fault. Or hers. Though I don't want something to be wrong with her. It's a relief to think: "I don't have to live in the same house as her ever again". She'll be back from Africa halfway though August. I'll be safe in Maastricht by then.

Last night I went to a friend's graduation ceremony. Hers was so much more beautiful than mine. But going there made me feel good. I love to be with people, even though the ED has ruined my social life.

Posted by Eldalote at 12:31 AM

July 01, 2004

Fly away

Tomorrow I'll be leaving for almost a month in South Africa. With my dad. My mom and my sisters left just now. Everybody is totally stressed out about everything that needs to be done. Their stress gets me more than the actual stress about what needs to get done. I like to just get to it and do what I gotta do. And I am worrying about getting into medicine or at least getting the notification.

Yesterday I graduated from high school!! I got a diploma! I got a diploma! nananana. I was really happy about that and sad at the same time: I'll never go back to that school again and I'll never see those people again. All my 'friends' (most of them were my friend at some stage or another...) all the teachers. I don't ever have to ride those 5 kms again. Six years of high school are OVER. I was sad, even though I didn't have the greatest of times in high school. And I felt like a reall loser last night when i realized that I didn't have any friends to 'keep' from high school and that things didn't exactly go as I would have liked them to go. And I felt kind of bad that I didn't have any prizes or anything to brag about. On the other hand: what do you expect from someone who does not have a loving home to support her and who has been trying to recover from bulimia while being in her final year. Other people go to clinics for that.

Of course, I had a fight with my parents again last night after the graduation. They could not be happy for me for just a while, they didn't say ANYTHING about my diploma at all and they dragged me away from the school when they had finished talking. When we got home they had nothing else to say to me but nag on about 3 hairs I accidentally left on the bathroom floor ('go pick it up NOW!'), my room (it was a mess after I tried to find the right outfit) and sometinhg else.

I'm kind of uneasy about the food situation in South Africa. My mom's side of the family are, let's just say big eaters. And the foods are not the most healthy low fat and low sugar stuff I've ever seen. What if I gain a lot of weight from that? And what if they see it as kind of an insult if i don't eat lots and lots of the food? For the first time in my life I'm actually trying to listen to my body when it comes to eating. I have found that I do eat less than the rest of our family here. I eat less than I did last time i was there and my grandma did comment on me never being a 'big eater', even as a child. Though that grandmother is not very much impressed with the eating habits of my mother's side of the family and she meant it as in 'OK
'.
I weigh 5 kg more than I did the last time my grandma saw me. I feel so ashamed about that. Really I do. And we will be near Durban, on the beach for a while. That means bikini. I hope the cuts on my leg will have healed by then and I am not very comfortable about my fat ass in a bikini. Especially not in the prefectionistic SouthAfrica, where most white girls have learned to stay skinny. But the ocean will call me and that's more important to me. I'm addicted to the sea, can't stay out of the water for long...

Posted by Eldalote at 03:14 AM