December 21, 2004

Merry Christmas to you all.

I'm scared of Christmas. I'm scared of being with my family and I'm scared of the food. Though the food is the least of my worries. And the only one I can actually deal with.

I tried to find the perfect gifts for my family, spent more money on it that I have. I don't have money, in general. Had my hair done. Plan to act perfect, maybe then it won't be my fault if it hurts too much.

Posted by Eldalote at 09:21 AM

December 14, 2004

I really do.
OK, for starters, it's not like I haven't tried to post and it's not like I am standing (yes, standing) here knowing my blog will appear on the site. I hate internet!

I am basically back to where I started again. Totally derecovered, thank you very much. I am scared, sipping on Coke light and working my ass off (suddenly sounds like a good idea) because I have so much to do. I have to lose weight, I am tired of being fat. The reason I am fat is not because I am genetically programmed to be so. I am not. The reason is that I have been bingeing a lot lately. And recently I rediscovered purging. Which is, still, not a very effective way of dealing with anything except the disgusting feeling of being way too full. Right now I don't have to worry about 'water weight' because i took 2 laxies yesterday to 'clean myself up'. What the hell was I thinking? I only ate today because I had to. I had a lunch appointment with this girl who eats tons and I ate a muffin and a cup of soup because I could not eat just one or none of the above with her. Strange me! It's a good sign that I still care about my social life, it's just rather frustrating that it all revolves around 'let's grab a bite together'. It seems to be the only way to get to see people around here. Everyone, including yours truly, is so damn busy.

This week was supposed to be a test. If I screwed up once during the six days before the Christmas dinner, I was going to see somebody about it. Naturally, I didn't last one day. So now I know I can't stop and I am scared because this stupid disorder does not stop until you've lost everything and even then it does not stop. Will I ever be better? Does it ever end? I am scared also because this means that I actually have to go see somebody about it. I would love some support but that would mean talking about it and that is something I don't really like doing. That's an understatement.

Oh well, the least I could do at this moment is to work on my various assignments. You know, being in med school is actually one of the very few things that really went my way and I am not planning on giving up on it. I love it. I even love hating to do the assignments about pills and stuff. The skillslab is not that bad either: looking back I can see the funny part of having my lungs lined out on me and having a needle stuck in my ass.

Posted by Eldalote at 08:09 AM

November 26, 2004

I am doing terribly good. And terribly bad at the same time. Maybe writing here would help, I don't know. I am really inconsistent, aren't I?

I am doing terribly good because I am in the right place in college and actually doing good! Maybe I could do this. I passed my first block! The thing is: unlike many other students I actually work. I do something, I see it as kind of my responsibility to give at least my best shot. That doesn't mean I am dull and nerdy... I am in a sorority, you know. Sort of, at least I am the president of a not-yet-existing sorority. I'm doing good because I've figured out why I binge (I can't handle being alone, I get stressed, whatever, I don't excercise enough) and I've figured out a cure for my bingeing: balloons with flour in them. To keep my neurotic hands busy. The best solutions are often the simplest solutions. And it is kind of silly how the only reason for this whole misery is me not knowing what to do with myself. I'm fine as long as there are people around me, but the problem is: I live alone.

I am wasting my time taking career tests which are telling me I should go into the medical field and personalitly tests telling me I am a shark. I am doing terrible at the same time. My eating habits are horrifying, i am living the nightmare of being fat. I've never been this fat and it's no joke. I've started purging again, but not because I think it'll prevent me frome getting fat. I'm fat already. I purge when I have the time, won't get caught and feel sick from eating too much. Seems like the obvious solution if you feel sick but it's stupid. Right now I feel like my body is going to explode or twist into strange shapes. I'll start losing weight on the 1st of December, and I know I'm being ridicoulous but I need to fit my clothes again. And I need to get back into some heatlhy way of life. I miss my almost-perfect body. I've cut myself and wondered if the test I took on then internet had some point in 'diagnosing' me with borderline. I just don't feel good and I have nowhere to run. While others can go home to Mommy and Daddy I can't. At least, I can but that brings so much stress and hurt everytime. I wonder why I keep going but I feel like i have to. I wish someone could just help me, cure me or take me for who I am.

Posted by Eldalote at 07:19 AM