Main » July 2004
July 30, 2004
It's been a while since I've posted...
It's been a while since I have last posted. Between my new job and Dan being in the hospital my time has gone by too fast! I have been relaxing...a lot. Lot's of nape!!! I didn't realize what a strain it was to have a schizophrenic son to take care of. He thinks he is much better and wants to come back home to live with me....which is not in his best interest. I am going to try to not get too upset over this but it's a tough thing to deal with.
My new job is going fairly well...thank goodness!!! I actually fnd myself lookig forward to going in to work!
Also, my weight and eating have remained consistant...whic is a huge step forward for me. I have faithfully seen my therapist also. So, all in all I'mding pretty good!
Posted by Kathy at 04:16 AM | Comments (0)
July 24, 2004
A vey difficult time
I'm sory I have not posted much in the last few days. I've been rather down in the dumps with what is going on with my son. Dan's psychologist called me yesterday. She told me that Dan was in pretty bad shape and that we could expect him to be where he is for a lengthy amount of time. He has been put back on anti-psychotic meds but they are not having any effect on him yet. Another issue is that Dan wants to sign himself out of the hospital against medical advice. His p doc cannot allow this currently as Dan is considered potentially suicidal/homicidal. She will be getting an attorney and they will go to court where Dan will losehis guardianship to whomever the court appoints....most likely the team of doctors and therapists that are working with Dan. No one from our family has talked with Dan because he is unable to conversewith anyone due to the psychotic state he is in. I have to work this afternoon, but my husband is going to go see Dan this afternoon. I have tomorrow afternoon off so I will have to wait till then to see Dan.
What can I say? I am trying to cope, doing ok with it...but have a broken heart!
Posted by Kathy at 07:37 AM | Comments (0)
July 21, 2004
Fake it till you make it...
Well, my son still thinks he is a super hero and is going to save the world from the evils of ET. I know this is schizophrenia doing the talking in him.
Today he is supposed to be started on new anti-psychotic meds. I have no idea how long it will take for them to kick in and work. They took 4 mos to get out of his system....I only hope it doesn't take that long for them to do their work in him now. I miss him and I have got to get myself ok with him living in a group home. With the help of God and supportive people in my life I will try to be strong for the sake of my family. I am needed to hold things together.
Posted by Kathy at 08:34 AM | Comments (0)
July 20, 2004
Another day of adjustment
I don't know how long my son will be in the hospital. I'm finding myself missing him and hurting over the fact that he will be going to a group home....one is enough....now two! I dodn't feel like doing anything but sleeping which is not a good sign for someone with depression. I'm managing to get myself to eat and do all the normal hygene, clean the house things that I usually do but my thoughts are not on what I'm doing. They are with Dan.
Well, this is just another hurdle to get over in life.....they come and go. Some more difficult than others. This one really hurts. When you see one of your kids lose almost all of their cognitive abilities, their memory, and just about everything else it is difficult to feel anything but pain and grief. I"ll get through it like everything else...but it just breaks my heart.
Posted by Kathy at 10:51 AM | Comments (1)
July 19, 2004
I feel heartbroken...
Today my son who has schizophrenia was admitted to a psych hospital. He was suffering a major psychotic relapse. He was hallucinating, hearing voices and was very aggressive in his behavior. Four months ago he quit taking most of is meds. Because he was doing so well I didn't check to see if he was actually downing them. Today I found 32 bottles of pills that were never taken. He was so close to getting his own apartment and getting a good job. And now this... He reaps the consequences of not taking his meds and I wonder how long it will take before I get my son back.
Posted by Kathy at 02:36 PM | Comments (0)
July 17, 2004
Nervous before starting new job
I will really be glad to put this day behind me...at least that's the way I feel right now. I'm working at my new job from 10 am till 3 pm. I don't know exactly what to expect. All I am is a cashier....but it has been a long time since I've cashiered and this system they have is entirely different from what I was used to. I don't feel like a nervous wreck and it hasn't affected my eating....I just want to get in there and get it over with. Will write more later.....
Posted by Kathy at 06:20 AM | Comments (1)
July 16, 2004
Getting more nervous....
Tomorrow I will be starting my job. I have finished their training and Saturday will be my first day. To be honest I'm totally scared!!! I will most likely be so nervous that I will forget to do things.....find it impossible to memorize things.....my stomach will be a mess. Yuck!!!
On the other hand, maybe it will go better than I expect. I am scheduled for just 6 hours.....surley I can make it through that long. I've found that there are things I am scared to do but they need to be done. Afterwards I wonder to myself why was I so worried and uptight? Fear may be present...but courage will be too. I can do it!!!
Posted by Kathy at 12:06 PM | Comments (0)
July 15, 2004
Getting Nervous....
Yesterday I was in training for my new job for 7 hours. Today I will finish up the computer generated testing and on Saturday & Sunday I will be in cashier training out in the public from 9 am till 5 pm. I cannot begin to describe how terrified I feel!!! I have done so poorly at other jobs that I was once demoted. And it was due to my having mental illnesses. I switched the time I take some of my meds so I won't look like I am sleepwalkig during the day. I have serious doubts about me being able to learn how to do a cashier. I have a normal IQ....but I just don't do well....at least not in the past.
However, thanks to my God, my therapist and my own determination I will get out on that floor on the weekend and pull off as great of a job as is possible for me!!!
Posted by Kathy at 04:11 AM | Comments (0)
July 14, 2004
The root of Anorexia
After having my session with my T yesterday I came away with a fairly clear understanding of a certain issue. In order to more forward and healing regarding ana, I need to delve into my past. My T thinks that my ana today is deeply rooted in my past. The onlyh problem is that I cannot remember hardly anything about my past. I have few childhood memories....so this is going to be difficult. One thing, however, I am determined to progressively overcome anorexia!!! So I will dig with my bare hands if necessary!!!
Posted by Kathy at 03:20 AM | Comments (0)
July 13, 2004
Training on the job
This will be my second and longest day in training for my new job. I'm nervous today...but tomorrow when I go out on the floor....that is when I will really be nervous. I just hope I can retain things in my head and not look like a total moron :)
My eating has been pretty good but I still rigidly stick to a few favorite foods. That is until I get tired of them and switch to something else.
I see my therapist this morning....hopefully we will work more on my anorexia issues!
Posted by Kathy at 06:48 AM | Comments (0)
July 11, 2004
My kids....
I really think that my kids are in a conspiracy to keep me from eating or sleeping. It never fails....if I am getting ready to have some dinner...my 23 yr old daughter magically knows what time I am eating and manages to call right to the moment...just as I am about to pop that first fork ful into my mouth...lol!!!
And sleeping??? Can you imagine what it's like to live with a schizophrenic son who has a dual diagnosis of OCD going? He has to check every door and windo a dozen times before going to bed himself. This can take hours to do mind you!!!
A nap???? I love them...and right about the time I fall into a REM sleep my lovely daughter is phoning me of her latest saga in her group home. Or my youngest is on my doorstep with a dress shirt in hand. "C'mon Mom...no one can iron a shirt like you can"
See what I mean they are all in it together...desiring to rob me of food and sleep...LOL!!!!
Posted by Kathy at 10:17 AM | Comments (0)
July 10, 2004
Time for a test....
I don't own a scale because they are bad news for me. I get on them all too often and use them as a gage as to how much I will allow myself to eat that day. My scale went out the proverbial window years ago. Now I go by how my clothes fit and I weigh myslef at the store once in a while. Which brings me to the point of this post.
I got on the scale today and found that I had gained 2 pounds. I'm trying to be "ok" with this. I wish I was a big further along in therapy so I knew some self help things to do. I see my T on Tuesday. I guess My "ok" will have to do till then....and I need to keep on eating...LOL..at 101 pounds I sure as heck am not overweight!!!!! If anyone knows anythings to help I would love to hear about it!!!
Posted by Kathy at 10:31 AM | Comments (0)
A New Day
Thank goodness that today is a new day. Yesterday I was hired for a position at a local store. I start training for the position on Monday. And for this I am a much happier person. I don't know about other people with anorexia but my eating is directly related to my moods. Low mood.....not much eating. Feeling happy.....can eat more normally.
Can anyone relate???
Posted by Kathy at 03:33 AM | Comments (1)
July 09, 2004
Kind of down today...
My job is just not going well. Today I was supposed to inventory a store and they company I work for called me last night and said that they had over-booked employees. They cancelled me out of working. I know that if I were able to be a faster worker I would be a more valuable employee. But I have rheumatoid arthritis. Both of my wrists are fused and don't bend at all. Several fingers are fused and I have several artificial joints in my hands. What this does to me is slow me down. That and I'm just not all that fast of a worker.
The bottom line is that it's taking a toll on me mentally. I feel unvaluable....unwanted...rejected. And those things are pushing my buttons triggering me into yet another depression. I'm putting a time limit on this one. By the end of today I am going to "put away" my feelings and thoughts that are negative. I'm going to concentrate on the positive. I have an interview both today and tomorrow. Hopefully there will be a job out there for me that I can do well.
Posted by Kathy at 07:52 AM | Comments (0)
July 08, 2004
Pilates Exercises....
This past winter I had gained a considerable amount of weight...for me that is. I wasn't too thrilled with the shape of my body to say the least. In fact I felt depressed about it. During one of my sessions with my T she suggested trying out the Pilates style of exercise. She called it a "humane way to exercise". I bought 2 videos and began doing one in the morning and one at night. At first I huffed and puffed my way through them. After about 10 days I began to have a bit more of a flattened tummy....which was one part of me that I really didn't like.
I've been doing the exercises for 3 months now and my body has a shape like it never has before. I do need to gain back a little weight as I did lose some while exercising.....but the rest of me looks and feels just right.
If anyone is interested in doing exercise in a healthy way I would highly recommend this style of exercising.
Posted by Kathy at 09:31 AM | Comments (0)
Finding out things about myself....
In the last couple of days I've found out something about myself I didn't know. When it comes to eating a bedtime snack I always have a difficult time with it. I decided to change my thinking about the whole thing. Here is what I did. I usually agonize for 30 to 40 minutes before having something. This time I just cut myself a portion of something I was considering eating. I ate a part of it and discovered that it wasn't so much IF I ate it...it was more like I have a choice to eat or not eat it. That thought was very freeing. I felt like I had control over the only thing I can control....me!!!
Posted by Kathy at 03:35 AM | Comments (0)
July 06, 2004
Recovering from a disaster..
I almost always find that when I have a disastrous day it takes me about 2 days to get over it. That also means that it takes me 2 days to work on getting myself to eat....my appetite usually goes out the window....as the saying goes.
I'm now back up to speed, still nervous about my job, but doing ok. I will be seeing my T this week and I hope to continue to make some progress in the ana eating area. I feel somewhat hopeful that I can gain at least a little ground with this T as she herself did battle with an eating disorder. I've been almost chronically anorectic for 35 years. I manage to barely keep my weight at a healthy minimum...but most people agree that I could use a little extra weight.
I don't mind a few extra pounds....what is important to me is that it's not just flab. I do a Pilates style exercise video every morning and if I gain weight I want it to be proportionate and have it be well toned muscles. I hope that's not asking too much! If I'm going to get bigger I just want it to be muscle.
Posted by Kathy at 07:52 AM | Comments (0)
