June 17, 2004

Ritualistic Eating

Early on in my struggle with anorexia I ate in a very rigid manner. I would not go to other people’s houses for dinner nor would I go out to a restaurant. This was mainly because my food had to be below a certain caloric level, I had to weigh or measure everything I ate and then I had to burn it all off by obsessive exercise. I also felt that I had to eat the same foods…in them was comfort and the reassurance that I would not get fat.
Being this way really hampered my social life and my relationship with the rest of my family. I was always trying to find a way out of appearing at family celebrations that involved food. This eventually had a disastrous affect on my marriage. After 5 years of marriage my husband finally had enough of my weird ways and he walked out of my life. My marriage ended in divorce.
Still I could not break free of the pattern I had set up for myself. I became very depressed over this whole issue. It was embarrassing to have to measure or weight everything I ate. I felt like I was in the grip of an icy cold machine that wouldn’t allow me any freedom. I used to dream of what my life would be like if only I had not become a victim to anorexia.
I am still working on these issues with the help of a therapist who had an eating disorder herself that she successfully conquered in her own life.

Posted by Kathy on June 17, 2004 03:58 PM