June 27, 2004

Presently having a difficult time with eating...

This past winter I had gained enough weight that I fell into the normal category. But it began bothering me. My stomach was bloated and stuck out. My clothes didn't fit. I bought a few pairs of pants up one size but that did not help....I felt fat. At the suggestion of my T I started doing some Pilates style exercising programs on video tape. Within 2 weeks I noticed a difference. My stomach was flatter...a major biggie with me. I had more energy and my posture improved. But soon I began eliminating certain foods from my diet that could be causing me to keep up my current weight. I bought another exercise video and soon I was doing one in the morning and one in the afternoon. That wouldn't have been a bad thing if I had been able to keep it at that but I didn't. Soon I was playing the videos at all times of the day. Especially after I ate something. What had started as a good thing was going wrong. I became obsessive about it. Within a month I had lost all of the weight I had gained.

Soon, eating itself became difficult...and not eating became easier. I quickly went back to my old ways and am now counting every calorie. From what my T tells me anorexia most certainly has an OCD element about it and I have to agree with her. I am tired and feel wiped out for much of the day. I don't sleep well at night in spite of the meds I take. So back to work on the anorexia issue.

I have new found hope this time as I'm working with someone who has experienced an eating disorder in her own life. She has successfully put it in her past and is now free of it.

In my last session we did things a bit differently. Instead of me rambling on forever she did some word association things. I think it is starting to point to something but at this point I am not sure what. I do know this.... I do want to be well and want to put anorexia in my past. The upcoming days may be a struggling but I am still hoping for recovery. I know it won't happen overnight, but I do believe it's possible.

Posted by Kathy on June 27, 2004 09:23 AM